"january 20, 2009"

Taken from my actually journal, only having 7 pages left in this book,

"I'm on the G train in Brooklyn, my phone has no service or else I would call. It's 1:33 am here but 12:33 am for you. Inside my ears is music blasting that I'm brainstorming for the mixtape I plan on giving to you. I fly back to Florida tomorrow at 2pm. All I want to do right now is climb into my friend's down covered bed and sleep in. It's only 30F outside. Warmer than where you are I'm sure. Really nice compared to where I was with you before. Alone in the train in New York seems a little odd but happening, my plans for bigger travels are slowly changing. Stay in Florida? Move back to Boston? Change my route completely? Boston will always have a good part of me. Florida is filled with the past. Chicago is living with great memories that I want to continue. NYC is always so fucking terrible. I wonder how the rest of the US would catch my attention? Or the chances are, I'll probably won't ever leave the east coast. I rub my hands against my jeans to keep the warmth within myself and all I can think about is how I wish I were under the covers with you right now, how I wish you would rub my back and push my hair from my neck like you do. My head and upper chest moving up and down from your inhaling in and out because the way we are positioned. I giggle outloud thinking of the way you would whisper, "Are you awake?" just so you wouldn't be talking to yourself. You kissing me on the forehead and tracing your fingers down my arm to meet mine. Then waking up to your voice, asking me pointless questions I still answer. I'm just longing to roll over to be caressed by your touches and sweet words again. Me sitting up only to look out your blind-covered window just to stare and lose myself in the snow that blankets the world outside of me and you. The content and happy feeling slowly creeping back within my bitter, hatefilled self. I sit back on this soon filled subway, watch a man kiss his girlfriend's face ever so sincerely and I realized that I could, maybe, actually be able to see myself not alone anymore. Lately, all I've thought about is you. Is something wrong with me? No. I should be fine. Right?"