BOSTON

I miss the hot days with the window open excited for a gust of cool air, the smell of my mother's old perfume creeping out from my suitcases that are sprawled on my floor. The green line and the 86 bus stopping and going right on my street, even the obnoxious Northeastern kids partying entirely too hard every single night. Every hilarious and great memory from Charlie's and all the Charlies' girls. All the late night bike rides to the North End just for a piece of cake. Catpower playing softly in my ear as I walk around Somerville with the sun coming up. Eating the most delicious food at Bartley's and getting overly siked to work with James (because he is the best ever). Late nights with Karl, watching Indiana Jones, and walking from Allston to Harvard at 2am.

Halloween, shows, random dates, shopping, Election Night, Kevin Dempsey, fried rice, Dave Sheehan, Newbury St., Other Side Cafe, Joshua Fontaine, tuesday punk pizza nights, xkimberlyx, and ice skating at frog pond.

I just miss you Boston, really I truly do.

gee gee gee

so adorable, if you can't fall in love with this.. get real plz!

"january 20, 2009 (pt. 2)"

"Here I am, late to catching my train to my final stop in NYC, Astoria. God, I really hope I don't miss my plane ride. Ugh, I would've stayed in Chicago, but I couldn't manage to stay here in NYC. So I'm sitting on this bench, patiently waiting yet still real annoyed. Between songs from my ipod all I can hear is this little old asian man rubbing his hands together to keep them warm. This has been all I've been seeing and hearing since I first glanced over at this man. Then I think about it and I remember these really warm glove/mittens that I bought in Boston in my purse right beside me. With my bags and luggage is all around me, realizing I'm leaving this god-awful city, escaping the bitter cold and this poor old man will still be stuck here in New York, I question if giving my gloves to him would be an embarrassing attempt of being nice to getting rejected or rather him taking them kindly and everything just continue to continue. Still after 5 minutes of trying to warm his hands, I just reach in my bag and hand this little man my gloves, smile and say, 'Don't worry, I don't need these. I'm headed to Florida.' He seemed a little confused at first but ends up muttering 'thank you' in the best english possible, takes them and puts them on immediately. I wish I could've said something cheezy like, 'Yeah, God loves you' just so I can let him and everyone around me realize that not all 'christians' or even people believe in God aren't all creepy, pushy, freaks. We're regular joes that just believe in being good people too. BUT saying that would've been beyond ridiculous. So I kept it to a smile and stuck my cold hands inside my jacket from the lack of gloves."

give it up

Beautiful women, sweets, and a dope beat.

sad tomorrow

pop-punk at it's best

goodbye florida (again)

MARCH 28,2006-
doctrine monroe: think of a better nickname and i'll get a fucking beltbuckle
get carriedxaway: hahahaha
doctrine monroe: how great it would be not to get all giggly about a guy but then get all let down.. shitty man, just shitty. If you dont like me, tell a iirl
get carriedxaway: aww, I'll tell you if I ever don't like you. don't worry. but I don't think that's gonna happen, after you get the belt buckle, we're pretty much stuck together for forever
doctrine monroe: hahaha
doctrine monroe: why do you rule so much?
get carriedxaway: That's a question I plan to ask the big man once I get to heaven
doctrine monroe: hahah
get carriedxaway: are you laughing about the fact that I think I'm getting into heaven?
get carriedxaway: yes
get carriedxaway: that's okay
get carriedxaway: I'm taking you with me
doctrine monroe: aw bethany
doctrine monroe: no wonder boys fall to the ground you walk on
doctrine monroe: sheeesh you make me feel so special inside
get carriedxaway: all warm and fuzzy?
doctrine monroe: yeah a little
get carriedxaway: like puppies and shit?
doctrine monroe: sometimes
doctrine monroe: even flowers with faces
get carriedxaway: awwwwww. it's "love"
doctrine monroe: fuck yeah
doctrine monroe: i'm in love
get carriedxaway: yay!!! cause I ddn't want to say it first, but I love you too! let's get hitched
doctrine monroe: hahaha
doctrine monroe: you're so silly
doctrine monroe: you're my future roommate, lovemate, soulmate, beltbucklemate, burningangelmate.
get carriedxaway: oh man, I'm so excited, our house is going to be the best place ever.
get carriedxaway: also.. probably the dirtiest place ever. and I don't mean dirty like dishes...
doctrine monroe: fuck all the bullshit, our house is where it's at!!!!
doctrine monroe: but hey, only drug-free rule applies.
get carriedxaway: true. fuck a drug. I'm high on life!!
get carriedxaway: okay, no prob, it'll only take till December, so we've got plenty of time to revise andadd on to these basic rules
doctrine monroe: i'm serious, i'm like saving up right now
get carriedxaway: damn we're going to rule




2006 was the year we planned on leaving this state and to start our lives new. She fell in love and went to California. I stayed here with my life until things weren't bearable anymore and moved to Boston alone. Now here we are back in Florida, single, and sick of everything again. 3 years later we are finally packing up and moving out together as planned. In 2 weeks, I'm back traveling again. Can you keep up?

Hello Chicago, see ya Pensacola.

sunday nights

I drive heading to my home early in the night. Everyone is gone, the streets are bare. It's only 9:14 pm. I scan the radio for something right. Nothing good is on, like usual. I flip back to the mix cd you made me and gave me when we were in Boston together. Jawbreaker is playing loudly. I know these roads way too well. I pass my father's store that he and my brother built. I pass by the sports bar Lil b and I used to eat 65 cent wings at every Tuesday night. I pass the DMV I spent almost a week at, struggling just for some progress in my life. I pass the Kmart that my mother once left me at when the freshly bought plant sitting aside my friend apparently looked like me. At the stop light beside the community college that held the track that my mom and I spent so many countless nights trying to keep our bodies to the ideal feel of how we wanted them to be, I started to think. I decided to write a letter to Lil Beezie to explain how I love her and don't give up without me around to keep from her killing herself. How everything would be okay and how life will suck but one day she'll find her soulmate and life will just look a tad bit better. Then I thought about how my brothers might ask, "Where's my letter of love and assurance?" and then I realized however I die, I want them to know I know they're strong and can always carry on without me to bug them or cry for help. At that moment, I cried. I cried while i drove. I kept my speed, but it didn't matter in the black paved abyss I tugged my truck along. I was crying for the first time in a really, really long time. For a minute, for some strange second in time I thought to call Landon. Maybe he would know what to say in a time like this. Then I got angry with myself and questioned on why in the world do I always think of Landon when I cry? It's disgusting and pathetic that when sad tears fall from my eyes I think of that piece of shit. I blame all those sad memories that haunt me. All those sad fights we had. All those empty nights I spent in my room, screaming my heart out to a human who barely heard an exhale from my direction. Then I turned my music down low. The only sound that filled the air now was the chugging and struggling of the truck I was within. I grabbed for my phone and dialed for you. Why? I didn't know. Tears still streaming down my face. Thoughts of death and missing just a handful of people crowded my mind. High school nights of sneaking around. Hardcore shows being the bane of my existence. Mom and the life before. Suicide flashing in and out. No answer from you. I figured that much, I know you've got a busy life of your own. It's all fair to me. I instantly regret the call, wipe my tears, turn up the music and sing along to something I know. Pull up into my yard and forget who I once was and keep moving forward.

Just keep moving forward.

luck

I lost mine somewhere down the line,
all I see now is obstacles in my way.
But don't you worry though, I'll get mine in the end.

dear chicago,

Why is my mind racing with thoughts of you all day long? I lay in bed and keep inhaling just for the smell of your skin on mine. The look in your eyes that make me forget everything else around us but us. The slight tickle of your breath exhaling against my neck. Can we just rebuild out fort/clubhouse and whisper our silly rules to each other while kissing each other in between every other broken sentence we speak?


But don't worry, I don't blame you, I blame myself.
I blame my high hopes and the thoughts that you could keep them high.

Poor Pensacola

Coming back to this hell hole of a home and then realizing where I left my life off last is so depressing.
I won't kill myself before I try to get out of this place again, but I'll admit that this town is more dead than I could ever imagine it to be. How sad.

Pensacola, you poor poor place.

finding my comfort

I decided on cutting my bangs the next morning that I was home. (Pensacola, Florida for now) Still unsure if I'm real into it, Chris approves and Lil B is down, so I guess that's all that matters. I ran around all day, job hunting and running errands. Surprised Lil B at school, it was a little confusing on her being so stubborn with me but it all worked out. I wedged myself into maybe getting a job at this ill little skate shop at my local mall, (Cordova) then me and B got ice cream at Marble Slab and caught up. I mainly explained my story about how a black man flashed me his goodies on the N train, going home in NYC. Mainly her restating funny sentences I said and us laughing so loud that everyone in the parlor had no choice but to look over and ease-drop on my wild, ridiculous story. Her almost spitting out her ice cream at every motion and renacting all my facial expressions during the story and then I realizing how happy I am with her. I can travel to every end of this earth, having a billion wild stories, meeting millons of different people, eat all kinds of delicious meals and still I will always remember little things like this. Us agreeing that McDonald's ice cream has the best for the price and disagreeing that Birthday Cake flavor ice cream is the best. Life works in funny ways but I'm still rolling with the punches.

I'm getting sick from being inside my house with no heat. Oh Florida!

"january 20, 2009"

Taken from my actually journal, only having 7 pages left in this book,

"I'm on the G train in Brooklyn, my phone has no service or else I would call. It's 1:33 am here but 12:33 am for you. Inside my ears is music blasting that I'm brainstorming for the mixtape I plan on giving to you. I fly back to Florida tomorrow at 2pm. All I want to do right now is climb into my friend's down covered bed and sleep in. It's only 30F outside. Warmer than where you are I'm sure. Really nice compared to where I was with you before. Alone in the train in New York seems a little odd but happening, my plans for bigger travels are slowly changing. Stay in Florida? Move back to Boston? Change my route completely? Boston will always have a good part of me. Florida is filled with the past. Chicago is living with great memories that I want to continue. NYC is always so fucking terrible. I wonder how the rest of the US would catch my attention? Or the chances are, I'll probably won't ever leave the east coast. I rub my hands against my jeans to keep the warmth within myself and all I can think about is how I wish I were under the covers with you right now, how I wish you would rub my back and push my hair from my neck like you do. My head and upper chest moving up and down from your inhaling in and out because the way we are positioned. I giggle outloud thinking of the way you would whisper, "Are you awake?" just so you wouldn't be talking to yourself. You kissing me on the forehead and tracing your fingers down my arm to meet mine. Then waking up to your voice, asking me pointless questions I still answer. I'm just longing to roll over to be caressed by your touches and sweet words again. Me sitting up only to look out your blind-covered window just to stare and lose myself in the snow that blankets the world outside of me and you. The content and happy feeling slowly creeping back within my bitter, hatefilled self. I sit back on this soon filled subway, watch a man kiss his girlfriend's face ever so sincerely and I realized that I could, maybe, actually be able to see myself not alone anymore. Lately, all I've thought about is you. Is something wrong with me? No. I should be fine. Right?"

finally

I'm in NYC right now, Brooklyn to be specific and you're probably expecting the cliche answer of "This city is so great!" but sike your fucking mind coz this city sucks. Within the hour of being here, I was lost and no one would really help, tired from lugging my bags around, disgusted by the creeps hollering, stomach starting to ache from inhaling such terrible air, angry from the lack of friends trying to help, cold from the snow and in the end I guilt tripped a friend into meeting me where ever i was, sat in a subway hallway in the West Fourth stop, called Chris and basically raged out and cried on the phone with him. Of course he's saving me like usual, so now I'm leaving this city asap. But before I go, I've got a German BBQ date with Corey.


So, I'll start keeping up this style instead of holding on to middle school ways,

goodbye lj, hello blogspot
you're all siked, i know it