My boss stands a foot away from where my desk is, looks over at me. I glance over because I feel her eyes and she just smiles. I fake one back quickly so she doesn't try to intervene with my emotions. (Obviously I've been wearing them on my face today.) Then she talks out to me since it is just me and her for the night, her voice is loud and just continues, "Ya know Miss Esther... I know the pain you're going through.. I've been right where you are." I glance over, faintly smile and say, "Oh.. yeah.. welp. That's life, I'm sure everyone's been here once."

She continues to talk with her large smile, "I would never wanna be anything younger than 30 again. After all that shit life puts you through. But you know what.. you love, you lost, you move on. That's just life. What's the harm in saying you gave it your all if you really didn't? If you love and lost. So what. Say fuck it and keep going."

Suddenly, a genuine smile appears from my mouth. Then I somehow made out the words, "well.. I really thank you for that.." And watched her wave me good-bye as she walked out the back door.



Then without hesitation, my memory of my earlier work day fades into you standing in my doorway. Me crying in front of you. The disgusting 20 something year old girl, standing in front of the one male she actually thought she could trust after all the mistrust and mistakes that happened in the previous year. To only look so young, naive and dumb. Outkast is playing somewhere behind us. You just stare at me, emotion-less, blank, uninterested, ready to literally walk out the door and yet you still look so perfect. And here I am, standing there, in that terrible bright green shirt I bought earlier to try to impress you, I know I look ugly, tears falling. I'm so broken, just staring at you, speechless, venerable, pathetic, flawed.

You walk away from me with the same blank expression you've given me the whole time I've stood in front of you and begged for you to realize I chose you. I've never meant to hurt you. I've never wanted it to end suddenly like it has or the way that it did. I've pushed everyone else away for you. Yet, I still wasn't good enough.

And in the end, I knew I wouldn't ever be good enough. 

I never am. That's my life and I've just got to learn to find my peace.