june - pinback

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth." -Benjamin Disrael


He's already been asleep. He has to wake up for work. I creep toward our bed, it's late in the evening (or early in the morning.) With my legs smooth and my skin soft with the smell of milk and honey massaged in, I pull back the blankets and cuddle up to the man already heavily breathing from deep sleep. We act as two puzzle pieces forming together as if there were a magnetic strip along us. For the next 20 minutes all you hear throughout our room is the background music of our sleep playlist (filled with Twilight Singers, Mogwai, Explosions, Brand New...) then the heavy whispers of our babys' and you're mines' as if these were the words to keep us going and keep us merging as one. Giggles and gasps entwine with the words of Coldplay suddenly seeming to play louder. I was yours. You were mine. Our minds were clear from all the clutter and bullshit from the world because right then all we cared about was each other. Then suddenly reality kicked back in and we awkwardly tried to make our body connect again. Our horseshoed bodies colored red and ugly, suddenly didn't align as perfect as before. The music is playing even louder now, Elliot Smith is calibrating with the click of the ceiling fan above us. I muse about the conversation I had with Bethany earlier that day. I sigh. Then I suddenly blurt it out as if the sake of our disconnecting bodies weren't awkward enough.
me: i have to move out
him: oh.. alright then.
*Not surprised by his answer I just stare in the dark corner of our room.
him: so.. why?
me: to make sure we stay together
him: right, so we can have our own space and room.. and live better
*I'm silent because even though I'm not surprised by his answers, I wish they were all different. He adjust himself comfortably to fall asleep again. I start to whisper,
me: soon enough, when i'm gone, you'll change your profile songs to love songs hoping i notice they are for me, you will call and text me everyday urging to hear my voice, you'll beg and save pictures of me on your phone, you'll talk about how sleeping at night is difficult without me there in between you, you won't get sick of me and like me just like you used too...
him: what?
me: everything will be just like how it was when i'm gone
him: alright

He rolls over, I roll over.
I think of you again. Can you leave me alone please? I am replacing you with someone better.
I hate myself. I cry myself to sleep.


"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart for so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time." -Winnie the Pooh