please tell me

i feel sad and unattracted to myself,
mentality, physically
every time i actually feel something inside,
i open my mouth to speak and my voice is silent

i'm to such point in my life where i feel disgusted with all males,
but no matter how disgusted i am i'm still lost in my own mind..

i just wanna lay in a pile of pillows and day dream my life away
smell the ocean and hear the el tracks as i fall asleep
wake up to a sunlit room with a lingering scent of blown out birthday candles
the touch of someone's rough hands traveling my body,
reminding me with whispers that i am theirs and they are mine,
there is no one else in the world but us


day dreams, my mind is filled with clouds and flowers,
the untouchable, the unattainable, the unrealistic,
i am a true dreamer at heart, i'm no where to be found




“If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” -RuPaul

playlist: fiest, metric, lfo, hostage calm, the xx's
movielist: taken, police academy, wanted, machete, casino

Being single for me?
It means the one person you want doesn't want you or you can't have them
and the rest of the opposite sex only wants one thing only.


Cool story Hansel.

playlist: the xx's, leeway, dead end path, turnstile, the smiths, karate
movielist: the last airbender, batman returns,

you're the underdog, you're just like me

Spending the weekend basically alone, how perfect was that?

Reading this 'Born To Expire' zine makes me siked on hardcore and interested in writing my own zine. I've thought of the title and the line up of people I'd like to interview already. Friends have half agreed on it, so we'll see what the turn out will be. Being a female in hardcore always has more cons than pros.. but to me, it makes me even more involved and makes me wanna sing a long even harder. Fuck all the nonsense. Fuck all the stereotypes.

Also, this interview with World Collapse in BTE #2 is the best interview I've read in a really long time. Good job SV.



playlist: Jay-Z/Coldplay -Viva La Hoya, World Collapse, Frank Sinatra, Seraphim, Drake
movielist: Just for Kicks, Children of Men, Spirit Away, Exit Thru the Gift Shop, Dream Girls, Purple Rain

(feel free to recommend me music/movies, I'm always open to anything)

“Holding anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~ The Buddha

i pretty much hate everything and everyone right now
everything i love and everything i want to hold close to me
is slipping through my fingers
every lyric i hear, every song i hum
they remind me of something i once upon thought could be real
they remind me of someone that i realize now will never be who i want them to be
they remind me of a future i will never achieve, i will never have

inside me,
my heart feels heavy, lost, empty
i guess this is where i should always be

it's where i always end up anyways



playlist: underdog, jim jones, turnstile, gangstarr, bravery

I love you forever, I live every day knowing if you were here.. you would be extremely proud of me. No one could ever take your place in my life. Ever.


Happy Mother's day.

the bravery - this is not the end

welcoming my new life choice with open arms, feet don't fail me now

That feeling of walking in a circle but content with the scenery?

That's the best way I can describe my life right now.

what a long night of birthday babies, sushi, sneaking in the CTA, and gay men

whew, glad my liptar knows how to hang

death's grip got ahold on me

I always rewind back to the moment you were laying next to me and I would think you never felt the same because the scars on my cheeks, the imperfect body form my mother gave me, the short ugly hands with nails painted black, the uneven skin tone that would blush pink every time you'd smile at me.

I always told myself, if things were different like now.. I would make you think differently. The scars are less noticeable now, I hide my body better now, my nails are fake, my skin tone has correcting foundation, I can hide my butterflies better.

Then I realize. I was just fine before. 18 yet, experienced, independent, strong, pretty as now (if not prettier), and a better girlfriend than I would've ever been.
Then I realize. It's not me that was wrong, ugly and confused.

It was you.

go cry about it

I'm not fighting alone for a friendship not to work. I refuse to lose.

To see men keep a strong bond, over distance, talk, girls, worldly things makes me wonder why women can't do the same thing? Why are we so overly jealous, angry, ready to hold a grudge on the person we call our closest friend? I thought I was over that point in my life where I burned bridges for no reason.


I'm so jaded right now. I might just take that job offer up in cuse being in the woods so no one talks to me and I won't hafta figure this friendship bullshit of jokes out any more. How sad, sad, sad.


“Women could rule the world if they didn't hate each other”

3 weeks off work, enjoying every moment, rewatching all the Seinfeld seasons, keeping in touch with exboyfriends, redying my hair blue and enjoying this 50 degree weather


word lyfe

we're dust - iron age

life right now is in between, unsure if i'm just content and not used to it.. or if i'm so over everything i think this feeling of numb is being content, either or, i'm hanging with my girls every day, living my 21 non-existent single life through them

pretty much got a gang going on, christy, kirby, lil b and i
in simplest form? we're unstoppable

2 single broads, 2 taken birds
get on our level

mrs. bone picker

There's so much I want to vent out right now but I don't even know where to start.

"status climbers, backstabbers, hypocrites, no good fucks, face the facts in the end you'll lose, don't wanna hear another excuse"

all this love, rainbow styling

I'm sitting in my boyfriend's trial hoodie right now and having the past 5 days alone in the house but not really, makes me remember my mid-life boston styles, not complaining this go around, just saying. (more or less saying coz I wanna run around the city but have no one in particular to ask to come, waah)

Also, I am the queen of events at work! My bosses always call me or ask me to do them, I don't mind coz I get free food, make new friends, and sell a shit ton. So tonight's event is a Boys & Girls club sponsored something or another, all I know is, I'm getting extra doll'd up, bigger lashes and high bouncy curls. So better get start getting ready now.... I gotta be there in 3 hours.

xo

15 step

my life lately in a couple of photos;










not resized, no captions, not caring really
i got the raise at work i deserved, got reminded how "young" i was today by someone who was double my age, and remembered how much humanity is based solely on selfish moves and money

Welp, I'm not starving, dying, or out of my fucking mind so I'm content.
xoxo

"let me take your hand, I'm shaking like milk..."

Lost in day dreams, cruising the day with a smile from ear to ear, working in a humble manner, constantly touching my neck, lost in a staring contest with the sky, humming tunes without real lyrics, falling all over in a big mess of life, being 21, being a dreamer makes me this.



"Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both us knew
How the ending would be..."


Help me find myself, I'm walking down a road to nowhere fast.

just watched the other guys with my boyfriend, we drank coke zero, ate a ton of milky ways, and talked about 200 different things within 30 mins before the actual movie started, such a good night


best quote hands down?
Farrell: You ACCIDENTLY shot Jeter.
Wahlberg: DID I?


SO GOOOD, happy friday to meeeee xo

some people look at life as money signs, steps to move forward, preparing for nothing, and all surfaced materials,

the others look at life with beauty, heartache, friendships, and the rainy day to take a photo of yourself to adore later

we all fall under each category sometime or another, right now i'm really inbetween myself

broken social scene

sometimes i forget why i work open-close for almost 3 days straight, give up my weekends, give up the precious lounge time with my boyfriend, give up the endless blogging and photo taking i do when there is nothing else to do... and then i quickly get reminded why i love what i do and where i do it;



yup, that's my manager, my poor sick and helpless manager


fun life, i'm really blonde again, and i'm heading to my apt to house the mongos/50 lions for the next couple of days, late night chats, tourist shit, and home cook meals where we come


xo

today was a very terrible day, i cried for the first time in a long time

all of me - billie holiday

the weather's beautiful, i'm overly happy with chris, i'm really enjoying my job, my hair is slowly getting blonde, christy is amazing, and i'm gonna see mammoth grinder soon


life is treating me good

all this love, rainbow stylin

looking back on the people i used to once hold close to me make me realize we're all getting so much older in our lives... i think we all slowly just forget how important the little things are and in that sense it just makes me so sad to look back on how it all once was


maybe this is what our parents were saying when they told us to hold our youth dear,
you can always move forward but ya can never go back

i won't lie, i miss you more than you think

you tell me the morning after

"Come to me with wounds you want to heal
I'll listen and I'll try to understand the way you feel

Never fear that I'll be gone from here
I'll always be around for you to talk to me, my dear"

-Lush, Papasan

metric

After the gym today, in a scurry of my mess, words, thoughts.. I finally managed to get inside, take off my sweaty clothes, and sit myself down in front of the computer to just wander around. Checking all things in order, like I usually do when I get online.. within my email, there was only one unread message. It was my father.

My appa decided to write me a letter...online. My 67 year old dad took his time to sign on AOL, open a new message and write to me. His broken english is very noticeable within the broken sentences he managed to type. And there I sat in silence, in a empty house, and cried.


In that small amount of time I quickly read through he's paragraph, I was placed back into reality where whatever I buy, how much time I spend working, who I meet, how many lyrics I can remember doesn't fucking matter. I stepped back, looked at the big picture of my life again and realized.. I'm only at a chapter in my life. I've got a whole book to finish and all I'm doing is wasting, wasting, wasting time.

The whole reason of me leaving Pensacola is to be someone different than the friends and people I knew. The whole reason I left my family, abandoned my friends, quit school was forgotten. I forgot who I once was and my headstrong ways to meet all my goals.

If my mother was still here, she would be disappointed in me.
Time to shutdown my whiny ways and make my life happen, now.


Where do you live, love is a place.

Am I in the right spot in life with him? Am I really looking to be loved?
20 years old and I think at this point in time, I can honestly say.. I don't know.

I hope the 25 year old me doesn't look back and be disappointed.
Live fast, Die young.