blue line

As the loud noise of track squeals from the train fight the music in my headphones, I'm sitting restfully in a semi-filled train. People watching through the reflection of the dark window. Heading home early from work, I notice a young couple sitting peacefully across each other. The man looks concerned and confused. His lady is quiet, looking into his face, trying to figure out which word to say next. You can see it on her face the expression of wanting to help but unsure of the words. Then suddenly she reaches out and gently places her fingers on the top of his hand. Her little fingers start to delicately trace the raised veins around his knuckles toward his wrist. Their eyes don't make contact. Only her staring longingly into his face awaiting a change of expression from him. He slowly extents his fingers and allow her to continue her wondering path. Then after a good moment of this caressing, he suddenly looks up and smiles. She is successful.

Then I look away and smile to myself. I spread out my fingers in front of me. All I want is you.

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction." ~ Chuck Palahniuk 

Me: Would you like to have a fancy dinner with tomorrow at my work?
CS: Let's just sit at the house and do nothing. I want time to go as slow as possible..
Me: Oh really?
CS: To be honest, I just want to be with you.

"it was just as if I had been locked in cakes of cement and then all the cement broke away and you rushed in…” ~ Charles Bukowski

i got memories to prove
that i've seen your kind before
and i know exactly what you want
you just want me coz im next 

control yourself first before every thing else you are holding on to falls out of control

the days that go by without a busted ass dude holding me down,
chicago doesn't seem so terrible anymore

he woke me up with a soft, "goodmorning.."
I roll over slightly covering my woken up eyes and whisper, "you smell so nice.."
he smiled at me, leaned in close to my ears and said, "a toothbrush is right beside the toothpaste.. it's brand new and it's yours.."

"nobody can save you but yourself and you're worth saving" ~ charles bukowski

All I can remember is my lids feeling heavy, blinking slowly, then feeling myself fall into sleep slowly. All I could hear is the voices from the tv faintly talking in the room. Then suddenly my phone rings. It's you. I answer the door and I notice your glasses first. I smile to myself. 3 years pass and you and I are just the same. You climb into my bed. I can hear your deep inhale and exhales of breathing. I can see your chest beat from nerves and the awkward mutual shake between our bodies. And all I can do is just stare at your figure from the light on the streets... studying your outline from the small light that's allowed in my room.. and you are the same.

We are older now. We've changed a little. Matured through life but through it all, time, location and life won't separate us.
You are just another love in my life. I am just another person you know to lust. This game is a repeat occurrence of my history but I've accepted fate and allowed the course to drive down the way it's meant to go.

Who am I to cut it short now? I'll never be Number One. Second in line will have to be enough for now.

my pushing forward with everything i do and i can only hope you are too

As I'm not even an hour into my work day, I'm sitting at my desk, rushing to finish this jean-spike project for the photo shoot that day.

My all-time favorite co-worker comes in. Then he and I speak of our weekends, lightly having conversation while we are both working on our separate projects. A good amount of silence occurs.
I know this feeling, that question in mind that he wants to ask me, the reason he started our conversation so basic and easy. We allow the music I'm blasting on my Spotify have it's turn to fill that awkward pause when I know he's just waiting for the right time to ask. Then just as I suspect, he blurts out, "So... did everything turn out the way you wanted it.. with..?" I glance over, give a quick smile of being completely certain on what he's thinking of. Then say, "Well, of course not Eddie. This is my life. Everything happens to me in the same way. You act like a human then get treated like a dog. You try but you're still never good enough."

Eddie stops what he's doing, walks closer to me, and with a huge smile on his face says, "Okay? So fucking what? You're just gonna stop now because of this tiny thing in the way?" I just look up at him once and sit quietly for a moment then respond, "Well. Yeah. I've just decided to give up for a little. No harm in continuing with being disappointed anymore. I'll just not be, anything, and focus on more work." He looks away and just laughs.

Another frame of time passes by where we don't speak, we are obviously reflecting our opinions and each others in this moment. Then abruptly he starts again, "Well, YOU just need to snap out of it. Continue going.. I mean, why stop now?" I just smirk and start shaking my head in disagreement, "Nah, I'm over it all. I'm over everything. I'm tired of putting my hope into people. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being let down knowing it wasn't gonna work out."

He starts to almost yell at me, "Disappointed? You're tired of it? Dude, let me fill you in on something. That's life man. You spend your entire life building your hopes up for something positive and right and good and all you do is be disappointed. Right? That's fucking life man. IT'S ONE HUUUGGGEE DISAPPOINTMENT. SO SNAP OUT OF IT."

I end up just giggling loudly while he finishes his last breath because he's totally and completely right. Without any hesitation, he continues with the most important thing I've ever heard, "..but here's another piece of information, while our entire life we are aware of how much life is a disappointment to us, somewhere, between being disappointed and disappointed, that small in-between grain of life that happens, you are happy. And so, in the end of it all, it's not about not trying anymore because you don't want to be let down. It's about finding the right person, at that moment, that you know you want to be happy with. So. It's all your choice man. You choose the right person in the right time because you know somewhere inside you, that small grain of life that happens, that small grain of happiness you spend with them, that is worth it all."

I sit in my chair, staring into the beady little eyes of my friend. I am astonished, somewhat shocked, and just flat out surprised. Then a wave of complacent falls over me. All I could say back was, "and you're right...."

I turn my chair around, turn up the Aalyiah to Washed Out playlist I have set up for myself, and lose myself back into work again.

My boss stands a foot away from where my desk is, looks over at me. I glance over because I feel her eyes and she just smiles. I fake one back quickly so she doesn't try to intervene with my emotions. (Obviously I've been wearing them on my face today.) Then she talks out to me since it is just me and her for the night, her voice is loud and just continues, "Ya know Miss Esther... I know the pain you're going through.. I've been right where you are." I glance over, faintly smile and say, "Oh.. yeah.. welp. That's life, I'm sure everyone's been here once."

She continues to talk with her large smile, "I would never wanna be anything younger than 30 again. After all that shit life puts you through. But you know what.. you love, you lost, you move on. That's just life. What's the harm in saying you gave it your all if you really didn't? If you love and lost. So what. Say fuck it and keep going."

Suddenly, a genuine smile appears from my mouth. Then I somehow made out the words, "well.. I really thank you for that.." And watched her wave me good-bye as she walked out the back door.



Then without hesitation, my memory of my earlier work day fades into you standing in my doorway. Me crying in front of you. The disgusting 20 something year old girl, standing in front of the one male she actually thought she could trust after all the mistrust and mistakes that happened in the previous year. To only look so young, naive and dumb. Outkast is playing somewhere behind us. You just stare at me, emotion-less, blank, uninterested, ready to literally walk out the door and yet you still look so perfect. And here I am, standing there, in that terrible bright green shirt I bought earlier to try to impress you, I know I look ugly, tears falling. I'm so broken, just staring at you, speechless, venerable, pathetic, flawed.

You walk away from me with the same blank expression you've given me the whole time I've stood in front of you and begged for you to realize I chose you. I've never meant to hurt you. I've never wanted it to end suddenly like it has or the way that it did. I've pushed everyone else away for you. Yet, I still wasn't good enough.

And in the end, I knew I wouldn't ever be good enough. 

I never am. That's my life and I've just got to learn to find my peace.

As I write our new store goal on our white board at work, my boss looks over at me and simply ask, "are you in love?"

I glance at her quickly, unsure of what I've asked, sheepishly smile and politely respond with, "excuse me?"

She glances back, very nonchalantly, and repeats, "are you in love?"

I smile to myself with the idea of taking my simple, cutesy, girlie adoring antics for him and fathom the idea of real, heart gutting, butterfly feeling love.

I take a long enough pause for my point to be thought over, then quietly say back, "that's a great question... from how I reacted at last nights fight... I don't really know. You don't react like that on the phone with some guy you sorta fancy... so whatever I feel is real."

She didn't expect my answer to be so honest. As she watched me follow my thoughts into a stare of nothing. She walked back to her desk and let me be within my own silence.