im never gonna be the one

And here we are again. Two bodies laying beside each other in the same bed. But this time I'm not here for a visit, I'm here for good. And I'm staring out our window, wondering the same thought I think every day I'm here.... is this all worth it?

He silently reads his book beside me. We have separate covers for our bodies. We haven't said a word to each other since we argued in public on the walk home from brunch. I open my computer and see my background photo, a fortune from a cookie almost 3 years ago...

To love and to be loved is like feeling the sun from both sides.

Of course something so trivial and small that generally meant nothing is disgusting me now. Today is the foggiest, coldest day I can remember since winter started. What a day to be a Khaleesi. We fight almost every day now. I figured the distance between us is the reason why we fought as often as we did.. now it's a whole another reason. I've only been back 3 days now and I've cried until my eyes were swollen twice. Am I a glutton for pain or is every relationship this difficult? Although last night, I've never felt more right and in love with this person. Being introduced as his significant other, my hand being held, and how he openly kissed my face in front of everyone in his company. Yet in the privacy of our home, he says things that break my soul, my pride, my heart.  

He brings up Her almost every day. Always something small and says it so nonchalantly that I always try to keep my cool.. even though hearing that she even exist fuels my hate for everything in life. Can I have nothing for myself? Everything that I want and take in life is always some one else's. 

So here I am. Laying beside him.. staring out the window. I just let my demons take control of what I never want to think about nowadays. I don't think I can cry anymore.. I heard sometimes you're only allotted so many tears per person. 

My sadness is officially anger. What am I to do now..

the ex.. wait..

i walk into your room after you, but you're walking in and out, slowly picking up stuff and cleaning your mess from the night before..

I have my arm propped up to keep myself sitting upwards while I'm laying in your bed. You go and sit at your desk with your computer in front. This is how I remember us the most. Me laying in your bed with my phone in hand. You a foot in front of me, sitting at that large screen and typing away at your computer.

Most of my memories of us aren't at a beach, traveling somewhere in a car, spending time in different cultured restaurants. It's us in your bedroom. You playing WoW while I wonder why you don't wanna kiss me. Us laying in bed together before we fall asleep, lights out, netflix on. I'm laying on the inside since you hate being pushed against the wall. Catching you watch me as I watch tv. You just laid there and would stare at my face. Study it until we both closed our eyes.

Now I'm back out of the memories and sitting in reality. There you are, turning around and glancing at me on your bed. I'm slowly eating a banana because I forgot to eat today. You smile and slowly pull yourself out of your chair to make your way towards me. You squeeze your body beside mine since I'm laying close to the edge. You start to rub your shaved head against my arm and torso. I know this routine. I know what you're doing...

Earlier this morning to made me promise to take it slow and treat everything like we are "just friends". It's been almost 5 months since our break up and we still sing this same song every week. It didn't matter if we dated, lived together or shared first emotions.. or if you told me you loved me, or cried for me to stay with you forever when we fought. You told me you didn't love me anymore. You were over whatever emotion you were going through and you wanted to touch/fuck/see other girls. I accepted this agreement and headed over to hang out like we planned.

I start to smile, watching you give me those eyes, watching your hands travel against my thigh and hips. I know what the doggy wants. I know what this little evil man is craving. And I simply do nothing but let you take it. I let you beg and plead and promise false promises. I smile and show you exactly what you would dream of. We both last about an hour. The longest and best fuck we might've ever had between us. You immediately start to kiss me all over and I lay naked in your arms. I watch as you caress my back down to my butt cheek. I give myself a little mental pat on the back. As I notice you are in and out of your cat nap of exhaustion, you still manage to give yourself enough push to slowly reach your face to kiss my shoulders.

And as I lay there, enjoying every moment, it hits me.. fucking shit, here we are again..

blue line

As the loud noise of track squeals from the train fight the music in my headphones, I'm sitting restfully in a semi-filled train. People watching through the reflection of the dark window. Heading home early from work, I notice a young couple sitting peacefully across each other. The man looks concerned and confused. His lady is quiet, looking into his face, trying to figure out which word to say next. You can see it on her face the expression of wanting to help but unsure of the words. Then suddenly she reaches out and gently places her fingers on the top of his hand. Her little fingers start to delicately trace the raised veins around his knuckles toward his wrist. Their eyes don't make contact. Only her staring longingly into his face awaiting a change of expression from him. He slowly extents his fingers and allow her to continue her wondering path. Then after a good moment of this caressing, he suddenly looks up and smiles. She is successful.

Then I look away and smile to myself. I spread out my fingers in front of me. All I want is you.

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction." ~ Chuck Palahniuk 

Me: Would you like to have a fancy dinner with tomorrow at my work?
CS: Let's just sit at the house and do nothing. I want time to go as slow as possible..
Me: Oh really?
CS: To be honest, I just want to be with you.

"it was just as if I had been locked in cakes of cement and then all the cement broke away and you rushed in…” ~ Charles Bukowski

i got memories to prove
that i've seen your kind before
and i know exactly what you want
you just want me coz im next 

control yourself first before every thing else you are holding on to falls out of control

the days that go by without a busted ass dude holding me down,
chicago doesn't seem so terrible anymore

he woke me up with a soft, "goodmorning.."
I roll over slightly covering my woken up eyes and whisper, "you smell so nice.."
he smiled at me, leaned in close to my ears and said, "a toothbrush is right beside the toothpaste.. it's brand new and it's yours.."

"nobody can save you but yourself and you're worth saving" ~ charles bukowski

All I can remember is my lids feeling heavy, blinking slowly, then feeling myself fall into sleep slowly. All I could hear is the voices from the tv faintly talking in the room. Then suddenly my phone rings. It's you. I answer the door and I notice your glasses first. I smile to myself. 3 years pass and you and I are just the same. You climb into my bed. I can hear your deep inhale and exhales of breathing. I can see your chest beat from nerves and the awkward mutual shake between our bodies. And all I can do is just stare at your figure from the light on the streets... studying your outline from the small light that's allowed in my room.. and you are the same.

We are older now. We've changed a little. Matured through life but through it all, time, location and life won't separate us.
You are just another love in my life. I am just another person you know to lust. This game is a repeat occurrence of my history but I've accepted fate and allowed the course to drive down the way it's meant to go.

Who am I to cut it short now? I'll never be Number One. Second in line will have to be enough for now.

my pushing forward with everything i do and i can only hope you are too

As I'm not even an hour into my work day, I'm sitting at my desk, rushing to finish this jean-spike project for the photo shoot that day.

My all-time favorite co-worker comes in. Then he and I speak of our weekends, lightly having conversation while we are both working on our separate projects. A good amount of silence occurs.
I know this feeling, that question in mind that he wants to ask me, the reason he started our conversation so basic and easy. We allow the music I'm blasting on my Spotify have it's turn to fill that awkward pause when I know he's just waiting for the right time to ask. Then just as I suspect, he blurts out, "So... did everything turn out the way you wanted it.. with..?" I glance over, give a quick smile of being completely certain on what he's thinking of. Then say, "Well, of course not Eddie. This is my life. Everything happens to me in the same way. You act like a human then get treated like a dog. You try but you're still never good enough."

Eddie stops what he's doing, walks closer to me, and with a huge smile on his face says, "Okay? So fucking what? You're just gonna stop now because of this tiny thing in the way?" I just look up at him once and sit quietly for a moment then respond, "Well. Yeah. I've just decided to give up for a little. No harm in continuing with being disappointed anymore. I'll just not be, anything, and focus on more work." He looks away and just laughs.

Another frame of time passes by where we don't speak, we are obviously reflecting our opinions and each others in this moment. Then abruptly he starts again, "Well, YOU just need to snap out of it. Continue going.. I mean, why stop now?" I just smirk and start shaking my head in disagreement, "Nah, I'm over it all. I'm over everything. I'm tired of putting my hope into people. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being let down knowing it wasn't gonna work out."

He starts to almost yell at me, "Disappointed? You're tired of it? Dude, let me fill you in on something. That's life man. You spend your entire life building your hopes up for something positive and right and good and all you do is be disappointed. Right? That's fucking life man. IT'S ONE HUUUGGGEE DISAPPOINTMENT. SO SNAP OUT OF IT."

I end up just giggling loudly while he finishes his last breath because he's totally and completely right. Without any hesitation, he continues with the most important thing I've ever heard, "..but here's another piece of information, while our entire life we are aware of how much life is a disappointment to us, somewhere, between being disappointed and disappointed, that small in-between grain of life that happens, you are happy. And so, in the end of it all, it's not about not trying anymore because you don't want to be let down. It's about finding the right person, at that moment, that you know you want to be happy with. So. It's all your choice man. You choose the right person in the right time because you know somewhere inside you, that small grain of life that happens, that small grain of happiness you spend with them, that is worth it all."

I sit in my chair, staring into the beady little eyes of my friend. I am astonished, somewhat shocked, and just flat out surprised. Then a wave of complacent falls over me. All I could say back was, "and you're right...."

I turn my chair around, turn up the Aalyiah to Washed Out playlist I have set up for myself, and lose myself back into work again.

My boss stands a foot away from where my desk is, looks over at me. I glance over because I feel her eyes and she just smiles. I fake one back quickly so she doesn't try to intervene with my emotions. (Obviously I've been wearing them on my face today.) Then she talks out to me since it is just me and her for the night, her voice is loud and just continues, "Ya know Miss Esther... I know the pain you're going through.. I've been right where you are." I glance over, faintly smile and say, "Oh.. yeah.. welp. That's life, I'm sure everyone's been here once."

She continues to talk with her large smile, "I would never wanna be anything younger than 30 again. After all that shit life puts you through. But you know what.. you love, you lost, you move on. That's just life. What's the harm in saying you gave it your all if you really didn't? If you love and lost. So what. Say fuck it and keep going."

Suddenly, a genuine smile appears from my mouth. Then I somehow made out the words, "well.. I really thank you for that.." And watched her wave me good-bye as she walked out the back door.



Then without hesitation, my memory of my earlier work day fades into you standing in my doorway. Me crying in front of you. The disgusting 20 something year old girl, standing in front of the one male she actually thought she could trust after all the mistrust and mistakes that happened in the previous year. To only look so young, naive and dumb. Outkast is playing somewhere behind us. You just stare at me, emotion-less, blank, uninterested, ready to literally walk out the door and yet you still look so perfect. And here I am, standing there, in that terrible bright green shirt I bought earlier to try to impress you, I know I look ugly, tears falling. I'm so broken, just staring at you, speechless, venerable, pathetic, flawed.

You walk away from me with the same blank expression you've given me the whole time I've stood in front of you and begged for you to realize I chose you. I've never meant to hurt you. I've never wanted it to end suddenly like it has or the way that it did. I've pushed everyone else away for you. Yet, I still wasn't good enough.

And in the end, I knew I wouldn't ever be good enough. 

I never am. That's my life and I've just got to learn to find my peace.

As I write our new store goal on our white board at work, my boss looks over at me and simply ask, "are you in love?"

I glance at her quickly, unsure of what I've asked, sheepishly smile and politely respond with, "excuse me?"

She glances back, very nonchalantly, and repeats, "are you in love?"

I smile to myself with the idea of taking my simple, cutesy, girlie adoring antics for him and fathom the idea of real, heart gutting, butterfly feeling love.

I take a long enough pause for my point to be thought over, then quietly say back, "that's a great question... from how I reacted at last nights fight... I don't really know. You don't react like that on the phone with some guy you sorta fancy... so whatever I feel is real."

She didn't expect my answer to be so honest. As she watched me follow my thoughts into a stare of nothing. She walked back to her desk and let me be within my own silence.

as i'm sitting at work, alone in the office, finishing up emails, I stare at the white walls and realize I really am not happy.. my mind goes into the circles it always goes into and i pick up my phone, text you and say, "I'm feeling depressed" then you called me immediately and say, "you wake up every day feeling like me?" and I responded, "yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just wake up angry, upset, sad, depressed... life just doesn't feel like normal.." then you laughed and said, "you are the definition of...."
I start to laugh a little while you pause for your effect, because I know you and I have the strangest friendship and without you even saying the next word I know it's your way of telling me I'm just fine but overall I know you understand me, which is why I turned to you first to whine about my emotional mind..

then you laugh with me and respond with, "nah you're cool, chill out man."

I sigh and suddenly I realize I'll always have you somewhere in my life
and for the quick 5 minute conversation that probably cost more than my monthly phone bill,
I feel okay again

blue jeans, white shirt,
you walked into the room
and you made my eyes burn

christmas to me other than celebrating the birth of jesus christ?

to every beginning there is an ending, don't ever forget this

if it seems too good to be true, it probably is

gulity - al bowlly

6:30 PM mg: i told you i dont care

  i feel like your trying to push me away

 me: i'm just trying to help you

  because in the long run, you'll throw your towel in and leave me

  everyone always does

11 minutes

6:42 PM mg: everyone has their issues esther, you may think im just saying this right now but with you i like you the way you are

6:43 PM me: i'm sorry i'm so stubborn

6:44 PM mg: you know i want to be with you right?

 me: i just can't believe it

  so my mind won't allow it to be true

8 minutes

6:52 PM mg: well, the way you make me feel when i see you, when im not with you, and that feeling makes me wanna just grab you and and just stare at your face and kiss you on the forehead, ive never felt like that and im not giving up

6:56 PM you may think im gonna leave the whole time were together but im not giving up

6:57 PM and im not gonna go anywhere

We blow around like tiny leaves in a big storm
Finding there's nothing left to breathe or to keep warm
You ebb and flow and your rhythm beats my head
Leave me alone while you swallow up your dead

You are the one
You cradle me and kill
Caressing my face

Leave me undone
You suffocate and have me
This is the place

“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire” 

― Charles Bukowski

I really wish she had a different way of viewing things
I think the city that we're from just kinda ruined things
It's such a small place: not much to do but talk and listen
The men are jealous and the women all in competition
And all your friends telling you stories that you often misinterpret
And taint all your images of your "Mr. Perfect"
I could tell that you been crying all night, drinking all summer
Praying for your happiness, hope that you recover
This is one I know you hated when you heard it
And it's worse because you know that I deserve it

It's not about staring at your loved one laying in a hospital bed, brain dead, body on machines, eyes shut.
It's not about knowing that person will never call out your name again, never look you in the eyes, remind you they love you with everything they have ever given to this world, and you will always be the apple of their eye.
It's definitely not about growing up, continuing life, and knowing they will never be there to watch you smile, laugh, enjoy your life without them there.
Because it was never their choice to go. It was God's, mother nature, who ever you believe in took them away. It was their time to leave your life.

A real loss?

It's about laying in bed alone at night, knowing the one person you could be laying with chose for you to stay away.
It's about knowing that person will never call out your name,
never want to look you in the eyes,
never tell you they love you like they promised they would,
and all because they never really did.
It's definitely about growing up, continuing life, and knowing they will never be there because they made the choice for you to stay out of theirs.
To watch that person make a decision for the both of you.
And they decide for you to leave their life.
They decide to chose another warm body to hold closer
because you were never good enough.
To allow that person to push you as far away from them as possible.
To know for a fact all the false promises and words truly mean nothing because they never loved you from the start.