i feel so alone because no one can relate to me,
i can't speak my mind to anyone
without feeling like I'm walking around on broken glass
i think that's what angers me the most now a days
fuck

vampire weekend

The farther I push myself away from the hardcore scene, the less I'm disappointed in people, the less I'm depressed, the less drama I seem to be thrown in. It's just such a sad thing that people have the potential to be such good friends or just people having so much in common just thrive off drama, pointless bullshit and small talk. Like I always say, I guess people will always be people.

I'm ready for a new life.
New scenery, new city, new friends, new climate, new house, new roommates, new hair, new style, new wardrobe, new attitude, A job. But just not a new boyfriend...
it's so hard to decide on what I want to do because there's nothing but disappointment here in Chicago. It's terrible to say but whenever Chris and I's relationship is over, I plan to be out of here.. but then again I don't ever see us breaking up...ever.

So what should I do with my mindset? After a year I still don't feel I'm home.

the heater blowing

nothing really special planned for today
church, family, photoshoot, dinner



Today is also the Korean New Year so I'm eating a huge Korean lunch with new found family!
I'm so grateful for being in love, having the friends I do, having my god mother in full effect.


happy valentine's day world

IAMX

my mind is slowly just giving up it's willing to fight,
i just don't give a fuck any more

it's so easy to hate someone you barely know,
so let's keep it going world

Tous Les Garcons Et Les Filles - Francoise Hardy

I just want to lose so much weight that I'm almost to the point of being called disgustingly skinny.


I don't know what to do with my life, I just wanna be successful.

let go - frou frou

i wish i could drink some jasmine oolong right now
i'm so thirsty for it and i can't sleep..

i haven't slept yet, i think there's something wrong with me
i'm so cold, i'm willing to just lay in bed for hours
knowing i won't fall asleep soon just so i can stay warm

take you on a cruise - interpol

I wish people could just get over themselves.

metric

friendships and hardcore

monster - lady gaga

I think its time to start losing as much weight the healthiest way possible.

people are forever people, so just fuck them all

yann tiersen

“There will always be something to ruin our lives,
it all depends on what or which finds us first.
We are always ripe and ready to be taken.”
-Charles Bukowski

curb your enthusiasm

I just don't know anymore.
You try and help a friend out, you're meddling in their life.
You try and be nice to someone, you're trying to fit in.

What happens next?
I don't even blame the city I'm in, I blame people being people.
I'll just hang out and be quiet from now on.

Live and let live.

arctic - clams casino

My mother's old best friend called me today,
she almost cried on the phone when she heard me.
She's picking me up tomorrow to show me old pictures
probably going to feed me lots of korean food and cry to see my mother in a younger form.

I'm listening to music silently as I wait,
same song on repeat,
over and over, again and again
when I hear the faint, remixed voice
I just feel like I'm sitting in the lounge of the W hotel in New Orleans,
jotting thoughts and poetry in my journal, being 15, unsure of where to go next.

And here I am 5 years later getting reminded that nothing has changed but my set of friends, the boyfriend and the city setting.

You want to sleep and I just want to stay awake.


"cities die
like people die
only more slowly
and people
who live in dying cities
become stuffed with indifference and
fear
and when their deaths
become actual
funerals seem superfluous."

-Charles Bukowski

busted - isley brothers

Today was pretty good, allowed myself to sleep in, Chris came home today from tour. But here I am on a Saturday night online, Chris fell asleep at 9 after I took my funny photo.
Not much has changed with Chris coming home...

everything still seems about the same to me.

money honey - lady gaga

So, today I was suppose to meet Beth and Kyle for lunch at Sultan's and on my way there (running late of course) my bus driver stops at a red light and jumps out of the bus to get on her phone. Only so many people notice, but when we miss 2 lights.. then people start to look around, wondering what the fuck is going on. She finally ends up back on the bus, grabs her lunch box and quickly says, "2 minutes people, be right back" and walks right back out. I look around for someone else to share this incredible moment with but everyone is just on their phone, book, or talking to a friend as if we were riding down North like nothing's happened. I quietly watch her cross the street and our bus miss 3 green lights. Eventually this little old lady tries to knock on the doors to let her in, since no one is moving, I hurry to get up and push the closed doors so she can get away from the cold. As she slowly steps in, the first thing she says is, "Where in the HELL is the bus driver??!" I laugh and respond, "You know what... I think we're all thinking the exact same thing." This being said made everyone on the bus hysterically laugh and it broke the ice for people to make their comments on how ridiculous this situation is. I look to the old lady as she finally makes her way past me and I yell out, "HEY! Don't even worry about paying... let's just get you in here and seated in case we take off." Everyone laughs and now the situation isn't so annoying but more funny. Our bus driver finally gets on and off we go. People are yelling from the back to her about how shitty of a move it was, but she ignores it and drives as fast as possible to Damen.

Didn't make it to Sultan's but caught up to go thrifting, walk through pet shops, and help Beth pick out the cutest boots! Thank god I forgot my debit card, I would've definitely spent money I did not have!

Bethany and I ended our night with watching Seinfield and talking about old memories and old friends. It made me think, one of the best things in life is meeting someone accidentally and then realizing they could be the best thing that ever stepped into your life. I look back on the people I let go and I really have no regret on the choices I made, I'm just sad to see where most of those people are today. I'm just happy I'm not in a situation where I think of nothing but hate for them, I guess I just don't care about people anymore. I'm content with everyone I'm surrounded by.

I'm trying to take life as it's given to me. But now my main concern is, am I here to start something new or am I here to be a wallflower until I die? Am I here to make people happy or am I here to get what I want?

“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

I haven't been drinking caffeine since I do nothing but sit at home,
yesterday I craved for coffee, drank two cups, stayed up til 7 am
had a very important job interview today, almost just stayed up for it hoping I wouldn't miss it.... turns out I wrote down the wrong time in my notebook anyways and I definitely didn't get the job

Fuck me.

So many things are happening at once I don't even update myself anymore.

Life is wonderful and it just keeps on getting better.

“My home?” asked Marilyn Monroe. “It will be a place for any friends of mine who are in some kind of trouble. As for me, I just want to be an artist and an actress with integrity.”

tummy aches all day long

I have the pictures from Chris's photo shoot on Sunday night finally posted.
My updated and photos are linked in here;
!!!!!CLICK HERE!!!!!!

xo

around the world - daft punk

vampire weekend - ladies of cambridge

jacob hartman is my favorite

go back to high school - beauty school drop out

Looking into jobs in New York or Boston.

Oh and I met Tim Meadows yesterday.. he was awesome.
I signed him up at my gym and we got to chit chat about nothing for a long time.

Life can be cool sometimes

i'll fly with you

Nothing can save your misery
Don't know shit about me
Don't know anything
Sink to the bottom
All hell breaking loose


Today is such a wierd day for me. I should be sad and upset about what's going on within me and around me but today I just do not give a fuck. It's all about the future and that's all that matters to me now. Why dwell on my past when I can just make a better tomorrow. I'm dreading Monday but I'm really looking forward to Tuesday. Maybe this weekend I'll plan a random trip to TIHC? Either I'll regret it or love it. I'll be seeing old friends and the same old bands, so what could be different from any other fest?

I've never been to Philly before,
I'm ready to play outside