mrs. bone picker

There's so much I want to vent out right now but I don't even know where to start.

"status climbers, backstabbers, hypocrites, no good fucks, face the facts in the end you'll lose, don't wanna hear another excuse"

all this love, rainbow styling

I'm sitting in my boyfriend's trial hoodie right now and having the past 5 days alone in the house but not really, makes me remember my mid-life boston styles, not complaining this go around, just saying. (more or less saying coz I wanna run around the city but have no one in particular to ask to come, waah)

Also, I am the queen of events at work! My bosses always call me or ask me to do them, I don't mind coz I get free food, make new friends, and sell a shit ton. So tonight's event is a Boys & Girls club sponsored something or another, all I know is, I'm getting extra doll'd up, bigger lashes and high bouncy curls. So better get start getting ready now.... I gotta be there in 3 hours.

xo

15 step

my life lately in a couple of photos;










not resized, no captions, not caring really
i got the raise at work i deserved, got reminded how "young" i was today by someone who was double my age, and remembered how much humanity is based solely on selfish moves and money

Welp, I'm not starving, dying, or out of my fucking mind so I'm content.
xoxo

"let me take your hand, I'm shaking like milk..."

Lost in day dreams, cruising the day with a smile from ear to ear, working in a humble manner, constantly touching my neck, lost in a staring contest with the sky, humming tunes without real lyrics, falling all over in a big mess of life, being 21, being a dreamer makes me this.



"Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both us knew
How the ending would be..."


Help me find myself, I'm walking down a road to nowhere fast.

just watched the other guys with my boyfriend, we drank coke zero, ate a ton of milky ways, and talked about 200 different things within 30 mins before the actual movie started, such a good night


best quote hands down?
Farrell: You ACCIDENTLY shot Jeter.
Wahlberg: DID I?


SO GOOOD, happy friday to meeeee xo

some people look at life as money signs, steps to move forward, preparing for nothing, and all surfaced materials,

the others look at life with beauty, heartache, friendships, and the rainy day to take a photo of yourself to adore later

we all fall under each category sometime or another, right now i'm really inbetween myself

broken social scene

sometimes i forget why i work open-close for almost 3 days straight, give up my weekends, give up the precious lounge time with my boyfriend, give up the endless blogging and photo taking i do when there is nothing else to do... and then i quickly get reminded why i love what i do and where i do it;



yup, that's my manager, my poor sick and helpless manager


fun life, i'm really blonde again, and i'm heading to my apt to house the mongos/50 lions for the next couple of days, late night chats, tourist shit, and home cook meals where we come


xo

today was a very terrible day, i cried for the first time in a long time

all of me - billie holiday

the weather's beautiful, i'm overly happy with chris, i'm really enjoying my job, my hair is slowly getting blonde, christy is amazing, and i'm gonna see mammoth grinder soon


life is treating me good

all this love, rainbow stylin

looking back on the people i used to once hold close to me make me realize we're all getting so much older in our lives... i think we all slowly just forget how important the little things are and in that sense it just makes me so sad to look back on how it all once was


maybe this is what our parents were saying when they told us to hold our youth dear,
you can always move forward but ya can never go back

i won't lie, i miss you more than you think

you tell me the morning after

"Come to me with wounds you want to heal
I'll listen and I'll try to understand the way you feel

Never fear that I'll be gone from here
I'll always be around for you to talk to me, my dear"

-Lush, Papasan

metric

After the gym today, in a scurry of my mess, words, thoughts.. I finally managed to get inside, take off my sweaty clothes, and sit myself down in front of the computer to just wander around. Checking all things in order, like I usually do when I get online.. within my email, there was only one unread message. It was my father.

My appa decided to write me a letter...online. My 67 year old dad took his time to sign on AOL, open a new message and write to me. His broken english is very noticeable within the broken sentences he managed to type. And there I sat in silence, in a empty house, and cried.


In that small amount of time I quickly read through he's paragraph, I was placed back into reality where whatever I buy, how much time I spend working, who I meet, how many lyrics I can remember doesn't fucking matter. I stepped back, looked at the big picture of my life again and realized.. I'm only at a chapter in my life. I've got a whole book to finish and all I'm doing is wasting, wasting, wasting time.

The whole reason of me leaving Pensacola is to be someone different than the friends and people I knew. The whole reason I left my family, abandoned my friends, quit school was forgotten. I forgot who I once was and my headstrong ways to meet all my goals.

If my mother was still here, she would be disappointed in me.
Time to shutdown my whiny ways and make my life happen, now.


Where do you live, love is a place.

Am I in the right spot in life with him? Am I really looking to be loved?
20 years old and I think at this point in time, I can honestly say.. I don't know.

I hope the 25 year old me doesn't look back and be disappointed.
Live fast, Die young.

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”

-Chuck Palahniuk

two different tears - the wonder girls

REAL TALK?

Having a best friend and/or a group of girlfriends is nice and all, but in this in between age where everyone grows up at different paces and everyone's in different chapters makes life just more confusing. Friends aren't forever. They come and go. Being healthy, having money saved and my maturity will save me in the end and until then, I'm fine being as alone as possible.

I will NEVER fake who I am, until the day that I die.
I rather have no friends then fake friends.

same old story, same old tale

I haven't felt like this in a long time,
it's the worst feeling in the world when you get a flashback of your past,
the past you tried to grow and stay away from

they say every relationship is different,
but i gotta admit, every single one seems like the same road just a slightly different scenery.


My eyes are swollen and all of a sudden, I'm in a lost for words.
Who can I turn too now?

glee's gaga commerical

"So yes, I am a Gaga supporter. I’m Team Gaga. She’s my girl. My pop Arsenal; my dance Red Sox; my fashion England."
-Moran (New York Times)

life is wonderful

"I am attracted to people who make this effort in knowing what suits them - they are individual and stylish."
-Vivienne Westwood

"My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort,
happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always
remember the tune." -Graycie Harmon

I'm doing good at work, so people don't like me much or talk to me now.
It's totally fine in my book because in my real world of life, they don't matter.
My job is to sell and make money and I'll always do my job well. Forever.

If you're in Chicago, come to this show!!!
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=118116994876302


xoxo

oh yeeeash

http://x-monument.livejournal.com/68649.html#cutid1

my life in the past month or so in photo form


xoxo

"would you give it all up"

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

-Lady Gaga

godspeed you! black emperor

Marc G from San Fran sent me a cute little package,
it's the best thing I've got from someone so randomly in a long time.

i miss boston on a week like this, i start to talk about it a lot
and wish i were riding bikes with my random friends that meant the world to me
i daydream about the hilarious people i socialized with at Charlie's Kitchen
and the random stories my roommate would babble on about
i think of the random punk house, gigs, and spikey jacket friends i had

then i realize it's not the city i cared so much about,
it was my lifestyle and the little things that made it what it was.

i feel so alone because no one can relate to me,
i can't speak my mind to anyone
without feeling like I'm walking around on broken glass
i think that's what angers me the most now a days
fuck

vampire weekend

The farther I push myself away from the hardcore scene, the less I'm disappointed in people, the less I'm depressed, the less drama I seem to be thrown in. It's just such a sad thing that people have the potential to be such good friends or just people having so much in common just thrive off drama, pointless bullshit and small talk. Like I always say, I guess people will always be people.

I'm ready for a new life.
New scenery, new city, new friends, new climate, new house, new roommates, new hair, new style, new wardrobe, new attitude, A job. But just not a new boyfriend...
it's so hard to decide on what I want to do because there's nothing but disappointment here in Chicago. It's terrible to say but whenever Chris and I's relationship is over, I plan to be out of here.. but then again I don't ever see us breaking up...ever.

So what should I do with my mindset? After a year I still don't feel I'm home.

the heater blowing

nothing really special planned for today
church, family, photoshoot, dinner



Today is also the Korean New Year so I'm eating a huge Korean lunch with new found family!
I'm so grateful for being in love, having the friends I do, having my god mother in full effect.


happy valentine's day world

IAMX

my mind is slowly just giving up it's willing to fight,
i just don't give a fuck any more

it's so easy to hate someone you barely know,
so let's keep it going world

Tous Les Garcons Et Les Filles - Francoise Hardy

I just want to lose so much weight that I'm almost to the point of being called disgustingly skinny.


I don't know what to do with my life, I just wanna be successful.

let go - frou frou

i wish i could drink some jasmine oolong right now
i'm so thirsty for it and i can't sleep..

i haven't slept yet, i think there's something wrong with me
i'm so cold, i'm willing to just lay in bed for hours
knowing i won't fall asleep soon just so i can stay warm

take you on a cruise - interpol

I wish people could just get over themselves.

metric

friendships and hardcore

monster - lady gaga

I think its time to start losing as much weight the healthiest way possible.

people are forever people, so just fuck them all

yann tiersen

“There will always be something to ruin our lives,
it all depends on what or which finds us first.
We are always ripe and ready to be taken.”
-Charles Bukowski

curb your enthusiasm

I just don't know anymore.
You try and help a friend out, you're meddling in their life.
You try and be nice to someone, you're trying to fit in.

What happens next?
I don't even blame the city I'm in, I blame people being people.
I'll just hang out and be quiet from now on.

Live and let live.

arctic - clams casino

My mother's old best friend called me today,
she almost cried on the phone when she heard me.
She's picking me up tomorrow to show me old pictures
probably going to feed me lots of korean food and cry to see my mother in a younger form.

I'm listening to music silently as I wait,
same song on repeat,
over and over, again and again
when I hear the faint, remixed voice
I just feel like I'm sitting in the lounge of the W hotel in New Orleans,
jotting thoughts and poetry in my journal, being 15, unsure of where to go next.

And here I am 5 years later getting reminded that nothing has changed but my set of friends, the boyfriend and the city setting.

You want to sleep and I just want to stay awake.


"cities die
like people die
only more slowly
and people
who live in dying cities
become stuffed with indifference and
fear
and when their deaths
become actual
funerals seem superfluous."

-Charles Bukowski

busted - isley brothers

Today was pretty good, allowed myself to sleep in, Chris came home today from tour. But here I am on a Saturday night online, Chris fell asleep at 9 after I took my funny photo.
Not much has changed with Chris coming home...

everything still seems about the same to me.

money honey - lady gaga

So, today I was suppose to meet Beth and Kyle for lunch at Sultan's and on my way there (running late of course) my bus driver stops at a red light and jumps out of the bus to get on her phone. Only so many people notice, but when we miss 2 lights.. then people start to look around, wondering what the fuck is going on. She finally ends up back on the bus, grabs her lunch box and quickly says, "2 minutes people, be right back" and walks right back out. I look around for someone else to share this incredible moment with but everyone is just on their phone, book, or talking to a friend as if we were riding down North like nothing's happened. I quietly watch her cross the street and our bus miss 3 green lights. Eventually this little old lady tries to knock on the doors to let her in, since no one is moving, I hurry to get up and push the closed doors so she can get away from the cold. As she slowly steps in, the first thing she says is, "Where in the HELL is the bus driver??!" I laugh and respond, "You know what... I think we're all thinking the exact same thing." This being said made everyone on the bus hysterically laugh and it broke the ice for people to make their comments on how ridiculous this situation is. I look to the old lady as she finally makes her way past me and I yell out, "HEY! Don't even worry about paying... let's just get you in here and seated in case we take off." Everyone laughs and now the situation isn't so annoying but more funny. Our bus driver finally gets on and off we go. People are yelling from the back to her about how shitty of a move it was, but she ignores it and drives as fast as possible to Damen.

Didn't make it to Sultan's but caught up to go thrifting, walk through pet shops, and help Beth pick out the cutest boots! Thank god I forgot my debit card, I would've definitely spent money I did not have!

Bethany and I ended our night with watching Seinfield and talking about old memories and old friends. It made me think, one of the best things in life is meeting someone accidentally and then realizing they could be the best thing that ever stepped into your life. I look back on the people I let go and I really have no regret on the choices I made, I'm just sad to see where most of those people are today. I'm just happy I'm not in a situation where I think of nothing but hate for them, I guess I just don't care about people anymore. I'm content with everyone I'm surrounded by.

I'm trying to take life as it's given to me. But now my main concern is, am I here to start something new or am I here to be a wallflower until I die? Am I here to make people happy or am I here to get what I want?

“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

I haven't been drinking caffeine since I do nothing but sit at home,
yesterday I craved for coffee, drank two cups, stayed up til 7 am
had a very important job interview today, almost just stayed up for it hoping I wouldn't miss it.... turns out I wrote down the wrong time in my notebook anyways and I definitely didn't get the job

Fuck me.