x

2012-01-16T13:49:00.001-08:00

As I'm not even an hour into my work day, I'm sitting at my desk, rushing to finish this jean-spike project for the photo shoot that day.
My all-time favorite co-worker comes in. Then he and I speak of our weekends, lightly having conversation while we are both working on our separate projects. A good amount of silence occurs.
I know this feeling, that question in mind that he wants to ask me, the reason he started our conversation so basic and easy. We allow the music I'm blasting on my Spotify have it's turn to fill that awkward pause when I know he's just waiting for the right time to ask. Then just as I suspect, he blurts out, "So... did everything turn out the way you wanted it.. with..?" I glance over, give a quick smile of being completely certain on what he's thinking of. Then say, "Well, of course not Eddie. This is my life. Everything happens to me in the same way. You act like a human then get treated like a dog. You try but you're still never good enough."

Eddie stops what he's doing, walks closer to me, and with a huge smile on his face says, "Okay? So fucking what? You're just gonna stop now because of this tiny thing in the way?"
I just look up at him once to allow him to know I'm still listening but continue with my jean jacket and spikes. I sit quietly for a moment then respond, "Well. Yeah. I've just decided to give up for a little. No harm in continuing with being disappointed anymore. I'll just not be, anything, and focus on more work." He just laughs, I'm sure it's because he knows I'm the only one in our office that willingly stays and works more than I ever need or have been asked too. Then he instantaneously responds with, "WELL DON'T COUNT ON ME STOPPING!"
I giggle at his seriousness because he just recently spoke of a break up with he's long term girlfriend. And for a person like him to slow down on life or wait for his nonsense to settle before picking back up again, I know he is completely serious on the stride to continue forward. I nod my head with support of his decision and just shrug my shoulders for my defense.
Another frame of time passes by where we don't speak, we are obviously reflecting our opinions and each others in this moment.

Then abruptly he starts again, "Well, YOU just need to snap out of it. Continue going.. I mean, why stop now?"
I just smirk and start shaking my head in disagreement, "Nah, I'm over it all. I'm over everything. I'm tired of putting my hope into people. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being let down knowing it wasn't gonna work out."
He starts to almost yell at me, "DISAPPOINTED? YOU'RE TIRED OF IT? Dude, let me fill you in on something. That's life man. You spend your entire life building your hopes up for something positive and right and good and all you do is be disappointed. RIGHT? THAT'S FUCKING LIFE MAN. IT'S ONE HUUUGGGEE DISAPPOINTMENT. SO SNAP OUT OF IT."

I end up just giggling loudly while he finishes his last breath because he's totally and completely right. I look up at him with my "you know that you're correct about this" eyes.
Without any hesitation, he continues, "..but here's another piece of information, while our entire life we are aware of how much life is a disappointment to us, somewhere, between being disappointed and disappointed, that small in-between grain of life that happens, you are happy. And so, in the end of it all, it's not about not trying anymore because you don't want to be let down. It's about finding the right person, at that moment, that you know you want to be happy with. So. It's all your choice man. You choose the right person in the right time because you know somewhere inside you, that small grain of life that happens, that small grain of happiness you spend with them, that is worth it all."

I sit in my chair, staring into the beady little eyes of my friend. I am astonished, somewhat shocked, and just flat out surprised. Then a wave of complacent falls over me.
All I could say back was, "and you are so insanely right...."

He gives me a quick smile and walks towards inventory with his boxes of Jeffrey Campbells.
I turn my chair around, turn up the Aalyiah to Washed Out playlist I have set up for myself, and lose myself back into work again.

2012-01-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

My boss stands a foot away from where my desk is, looks over at me. I glance over because I feel her eyes and she just smiles. I fake one back quickly so she doesn't try to intervene with my emotions. (Obviously I've been wearing them on my face today.) Then she talks out to me since it is just me and her for the night, her voice is loud and just continues, "Ya know Miss Esther... I know the pain you're going through.. I've been right where you are." I glance over, faintly smile and say, "Oh.. yeah.. welp. That's life, I'm sure everyone's been here once."

She continues to talk with her large smile, "I would never wanna be anything younger than 30 again. After all that shit life puts you through. But you know what.. you love, you lost, you move on. That's just life. What's the harm in saying you gave it your all if you really didn't? If you love and lost. So what. Say fuck it and keep going."

Suddenly, a genuine smile appears from my mouth. Then I somehow made out the words, "well.. I really thank you for that.." And watched her wave me good-bye as she walked out the back door.

Then without hesitation, my memory of my earlier work day fades into you standing in my doorway. Me crying in front of you. The disgusting 20 something year old girl, standing in front of the one male she actually thought she could trust after all the mistrust and mistakes that happened in the previous year. To only look so young, naive and dumb. Outkast is playing somewhere behind us. You just stare at me, emotion-less, blank, uninterested, ready to literally walk out the door and yet you still look so perfect. And here I am, standing there, in that terrible bright green shirt I bought earlier to try to impress you, I know I look ugly, tears falling. I'm so broken, just staring at you, speechless, venerable, pathetic, flawed.

You walk away from me with the same blank expression you've given me the whole time I've stood in front of you and begged for you to realize I chose you. I've never meant to hurt you. I've never wanted it to end suddenly like it has or the way that it did. I've pushed everyone else away for you. Yet, I still wasn't good enough.

And in the end, I knew I wouldn't ever be good enough.

I never am. That's my life and I've just got to learn to find my peace.

2012-01-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

As I write our new store goal on our white board at work, my boss looks over at me and simply ask, "are you in love?"

I glance at her quickly, unsure of what I've asked, sheepishly smile and politely respond with, "excuse me?"

She glances back, very nonchalantly, and repeats, "are you in love?"

I smile to myself with the idea of taking my simple, cutesy, girlie adoring antics for him and fathom the idea of real, heart gutting, butterfly feeling love.

I take a long enough pause for my point to be thought over, then quietly say back, "that's a great question... from how I reacted at last nights fight... I don't really know. You don't cry on the phone with some guy you sorta fancy... so whatever I feel is real."

She didn't expect my answer to be so honest. As she watched me follow my thoughts into a stare of nothing. She walked back to her desk and let me be within my own silence.

2011-12-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

as i'm sitting at work, alone in the office, finishing up emails, I stare at the white walls and realize I really am not happy.. my mind goes into the circles it always goes into and i pick up my phone, text you and say, "I'm feeling depressed" then you called me immediately and say, "you wake up every day feeling like me?" and I responded, "yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just wake up angry, upset, sad, depressed... life just doesn't feel like normal.." then you laughed and said, "you are the definition of...."
I start to laugh a little while you pause for your effect, because I know you and I have the strangest friendship and without you even saying the next word I know it's your way of telling me I'm just fine but overall I know you understand me, which is why I turned to you first to whine about my emotional mind..

then you laugh with me and respond with, "nah you're cool, chill out man."

I sigh and suddenly I realize I'll always have you somewhere in my life
and for the quick 5 minute conversation that probably cost more than my monthly phone bill,
I feel okay again

2011-12-26T19:04:00.000-08:00

blue jeans, white shirt,
you walked into the room
and you made my eyes burn

2011-12-20T15:19:00.001-08:00

christmas to me other than celebrating the birth of jesus christ?

to every beginning there is an ending, don't ever forget this

2011-12-16T01:00:00.000-08:00

if it seems too good to be true, it probably is

gulity - al bowlly

2011-12-09T17:55:00.001-08:00

6:30 PM mg: i told you i dont care

i feel like your trying to push me away

me: i'm just trying to help you

because in the long run, you'll throw your towel in and leave me

everyone always does

11 minutes

6:42 PM mg: everyone has their issues esther, you may think im just saying this right now but with you i like you the way you are

6:43 PM me: i'm sorry i'm so stubborn

6:44 PM mg: you know i want to be with you right?

me: i just can't believe it

so my mind won't allow it to be true

8 minutes

6:52 PM mg: well, the way you make me feel when i see you, when im not with you, and whenver i stick my hand in my pocket and find a note from you that feeling makes me wanna just grab you and and just stare at your face and kiss you on the forehead, ive never felt like that and im not giving up

6:56 PM you may think im gonna leave the whole time were together but im not giving up

6:57 PM and im not gonna go anywhere

2011-11-29T18:44:00.001-08:00

You are the one
In your concrete arms I adore you
Dirty and dear
Block out the sun
In your twists and turns I invade
You show me no fear

We blow around like tiny leaves in a big storm
Finding there's nothing left to breathe or to keep warm
You ebb and flow and your rhythm beats my head
Leave me alone while you swallow up your dead

You are the one
You cradle me and kill
Caressing my face

Leave me undone
You suffocate and have me
This is the place

2011-11-20T19:19:00.001-08:00

“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”

― Charles Bukowski

2011-11-18T17:40:00.001-08:00

I really wish she had a different way of viewing things
I think the city that we're from just kinda ruined things
It's such a small place: not much to do but talk and listen
The men are jealous and the women all in competition
And all your friends telling you stories that you often misinterpret
And taint all your images of your "Mr. Perfect"
I could tell that you been crying all night, drinking all summer
Praying for your happiness, hope that you recover
This is one I know you hated when you heard it
And it's worse because you know that I deserve it

happy birthday jesh

2011-10-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

HERE'S TO MY FIRST 21 YEARS.
They brought me the best and the worse. Friendships, boys, experiences, life choices, and everything in between. Between love and lost and anything else I could've asked for this past year, I've felt it at most. I've made every bed and I will take life and lay in each one.... but now moving into my 22nd year...

HERE'S TO MY 22ND YEAR.
I've learned the things I need to know to continue to push forward, keep my head up high, keep my PMA at most and know I really do have a good handful of people to be here whenever I need a friend. That is a feeling you can never beat. Today has been perfect and I can't wait for the next 364...

Thank you for all the love, patience, and friendships. I couldn't ask for more.

2011-10-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

A real loss?

It's not about staring at your loved one laying in a hospital bed, brain dead, body on machines, eyes shut.
It's not about knowing that person will never call out your name again, never look you in the eyes, remind you they love you with everything they have ever given to this world, and you will always be the apple of their eye.
It's definitely not about growing up, continuing life, and knowing they will never be there to watch you smile, laugh, enjoy your life without them there.
Because it was never their choice to go. It was God's, mother nature, who ever you believe in took them away. It was their time to leave your life.

A real loss?

It's about laying in bed alone at night, knowing the one person you could be laying with choses for you to stay away.
It's about knowing that person will never call out your name,
never want to look you in the eyes,
never tell you they love you like they promised they would,
and all because they never really did.
It's definitely about growing up, continuing life, and knowing they will never be there because they made the choice for you to stay out of theirs.

That's a loss.
To watch that person make a decision for the both of you.
And they decide for you to leave their life.
They decide to chose another warm body to hold closer
because you were never good enough.
To allow that person to push you as far away from them as possible.
To know for a fact all the false promises and words truly mean nothing because they never loved you from the start.

Loss, what a fucked emotion.

2011-09-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

that's all you had to say to me was
you couldn't be there
why couldn't you say to me
you won't be there
you could've warned me
you wouldn't be here
right here
you wouldn't be here for me

2011-09-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

these days are always different now

2011-09-16T18:44:00.001-07:00

i fake my smile and i work extra hard
be proud of me now

2011-09-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

nothing is the same,
am i complaining?

day dreams

2011-09-13T20:22:00.001-07:00

I texted you, "Can I call you real quick?"
And you should respond with, "Please."

2011-08-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Favorite color: Gold
Favorite fruit: Avocado
Something that makes me happy: Lil B
Shoe size: 7-8
Age you get mistaken for: 24
Biggest turn on: manners, humor, eyes, good style
Biggest turn off: this list can go on forever
Someone you miss: my family
A fact about your personality: I’m extremely indecisive. I'm really quiet at first. I can't be mean to nice people.. no matter how much I dislike them.
What I want to be when I get older: Lucky
My relationship with my parents: As good as it could possibly be.
My idea of a perfect date: hmm...
A description of the girl/boy I like: Funny, handsome, great big heart.
What my last text message says: "I just wanna lay down and not try to keep a conversation, ya know?"
Where I would like to live: Paris, Korea
My childhood career choice: Teacher
My favorite ice cream: Birthday Cake, Pistachio
Who I wish I could be: Literally so many people, hard to slim it down.
Where I want to be right now: Laying in my old room in my Father's house, 5 years before now.
The last thing I ate: Kimchee and rice.

2011-08-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

"because I know in my heart you can't say you don't love me too.. please say you do.."

2011-07-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

"As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going."

-Carrie Bradshaw

2011-07-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

When my itunes goes on shuffle and all of a sudden I'm sunken back into...
everything. Then I sulk in my own self pity every single fucking day.

Do you ever think of me?

Probably not. I know you don't.
So... here's to moving on.
Here's to going forward.

2011-07-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

no phone, no ipod, nothing but my silence and me
waking up, getting up, walking to work, working, walking home

silence

within the silence of my own mind
somewhere between work and going home

“You asked me who I thought I was before. I said, maybe I was a fish because I love water and you said, you thought a mermaid, maybe. If you were a mermaid, you said, if you were a mermaid, I was the sea.”
— Francesca Lia Block

2011-07-11T00:44:00.000-07:00

"At the temple, there is a poem called "Loss", carved into the stone. It has three words...but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read "Loss"... Only feel it."
-Memoirs of a Geisha

2011-07-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
Who are young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people
And I want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their home
And I'm welcome no more

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
But then a strange fear gripped me
And I just couldn't ask

Take me out tonight
Oh take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
No, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

There is a light that never goes out

2011-07-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

staying up til 5am because sleeping isn't easy anymore
making mixes for no one in particular
maybe someone will stumble upon this and like it enough to keep

"i dreamt of london and you were there"

xoxo

2011-07-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?

The only thing I wanted to hear you say was,"Please don't cry, just go to sleep."

2011-07-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

my sadness is slowly turning into anger

I think the only way to move on from here is to literally move away.
I don't think I can live in this city with you here.
We will both grow up and blow away, these past 2 years will be a bad memory
and one day it won't matter anymore.

I don't want to be here when you move on.
I don't want to be around when I hear stories of you and whoever.
I want to be alone, a wallflower, disappeared.

playlist: Rachel's, Mogwai, The Stone Roses, The Smiths, Yann Tiersen, The xx's

2011-07-05T01:22:00.000-07:00

3:25 am, no sleep.
I just wanna cry but my body won't allow it.
What a wonderful weekend spoiled by the truth.
I think I'm sad or maybe numb.
I'm unsure nowadays, but who cares.

I just want you to know,
I loved you always, maybe not completely and utterly,
but I do, I did, I always will.

"Maybe I had said, something that was wrong, can I make it better with the lights turned off?" -The XX's

2011-07-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

The other day my friends and I, a total of seven of us, were stranded on a boat on the Chicago River. After the police AND the US Coast Guard both came to our rescue, I was the only sober one willing to ride to pick up our friend's car almost 3 miles down the street. As I was driving alone to pick up my friends, I thought of old memories. I generally always think of my past when silence and my mind are alone. Sometimes happy, sad, recently, childhood. Just memories I'll try to remember so I make sure my life isn't lost within the thrills of wanting to be happy and "grown up". Two extreme memories came to mind.
It's just, I never know which one to say first though, the happy or the sad?

My sad memory:
My father would always convince me and my brothers to help him on the farm every Saturday morning or on summer vacations. Our bribe would be with promising us ice cream at some local gas station on the way home. Working hours in the hot sun, driving around a tractor and pulling out weeds for some 30 cent ice cream at a gas station? Whether it was the guilt of our father actually asking us a favor or the sake we were that naive into thinking ice cream was worth it all, we'd go.
Some of my best childhood memories started at my father's farm. I learned how to drive in a moving vehicle for the first time in a tractor. We'd run to the next farm over and chase the peacocks into the trees, eat the fruit from the trees, pee by bushes and hope no hillbillies would see us from their houses.
So anyway, I remember one time being there, my father's crops didn't develop and produce the way he expected. I remember something about the rain and how it was too much water for the season on what he was trying to grow. This Korean yellow fruit. Tasted like a hybrid of an apple, pear, and honeydew. It was a smaller melon, you could eat the outside, and the inside was white and juicy. I remember my mother picking up one, dusting it off with her hands and shirt, biting into it and handing it to me. My brothers and I promised to come back and help my father harvest what we could salvage and just keep for us instead of trying to sell the sad amount we'd find. So the next Saturday, my brothers and I clothed in our "farm clothes" went in and packed a large ice cooler with whatever fruit we would find. My father expected a little more so his trailer he brought behind the car was now just empty space. He insisted on strapping the large cooler on the trailer since we had no room in our car. My big brother fought him on this being a terrible idea, but there's no winning with my father. (He was the stubborn, hard headed kind.) Not even 20 minutes down the street, my father takes a turn at an intersection, and off goes the cooler. Breaks into two and all the melon flies out on the street and smashes everywhere.
At that moment, you think, should I cry, say sorry, ignore the whole situation and stay quiet? My father pulls over immediately, gets out of the car, slowly walks into the street and picks up the cooler pieces. My big brother says something like, "don't you guys dare say anything" as my father opens the door and sadly gets into his seat. We drive in silence and I look at my defended father with so much sympathy, I truly had nothing to say despite my brother. My father gave up farming after this, we still have the acres of land, but I know there's nothing there.

My happy memory,
My mother loved the beach. Palm trees, shells, everything and anything would remind you of the ocean and it's surroundings. I remember she would always want me to go to the beach and shell hunt with her. She would collect her favorite shells, drill holes in them and hang them in her car. It was dorky, innocent, but that was her.
So, with that back story, she was a super social, well liked person at her shop. Her customers would give her random gifts and food all the time, it was a pretty common thing to see when I would come to the store. One day I walked to the refrigerator and I see a new magnet on the freezer door. It was a beach scenery with glued on sand and baby shells, above it the words were printed, "LIFE'S A BEACH". And I couldn't help but laugh out loud and ask my mom if she knew what it meant. Her response? "Yes Esther, it means life is beautiful like the beach." In that moment, my heart sunk into my stomach, I smiled and said, "Yeah mom." She didn't understand the play on words with the cuss word bitch. I always think of this memory and giggle to myself. My mom was the best. My diamond in the rough.

2011-06-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can't I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I crave you

I walked into the room dripping in gold
Yeah dripping in gold
I walked into the room dripping in gold
Dripping in gold
A wave of heads did turn, or so I've been told
Or so I've been told
My heart broke when I saw you kept your gaze controlled
Oh I cannot solve

Let's just stop and think, before I lose face
Surely I can't fall, into a game of chase
Around his little finger, that boy has got me curled
I try to reach out, but he's in his own world
This boy's got my head tied in knots with all his games
I simply want him more because he looks the other way

It's true I crave you
Crave You

2011-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

i mean honestly, it really doesn't matter what you say to me,
everything is hollow words, empty eyes, empty promises
i won't believe it but i can't stop my heart for falling for it

the days you're in my hands, my eyes always in a stare, my giggles loud
the nights you're in my arms, my lips are on your face, my cheeks on your head
these are the memories i wanna burn away, forget, bury away for ever

leave me alone please,
my heart feels too heavy
and i don't think i can carry on from now

playlist: coldplay, integrity, iron age, the xx's, mind eraser
movielist: terminator, the fighter, cinderella man, fifth element, the thing

please tell me

2011-06-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

i feel sad and unattracted to myself,
mentality, physically
every time i actually feel something inside,
i open my mouth to speak and my voice is silent

i'm to such point in my life where i feel disgusted with all males,
but no matter how disgusted i am i'm still lost in my own mind..

i just wanna lay in a pile of pillows and day dream my life away
smell the ocean and hear the el tracks as i fall asleep
wake up to a sunlit room with a lingering scent of blown out birthday candles
the touch of someone's rough hands traveling my body,
reminding me with whispers that i am theirs and they are mine,
there is no one else in the world but us

day dreams, my mind is filled with clouds and flowers,
the untouchable, the unattainable, the unrealistic,
i am a true dreamer at heart, i'm no where to be found

“If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” -RuPaul

playlist: fiest, metric, lfo, hostage calm, the xx's
movielist: taken, police academy, wanted, machete, casino

2011-06-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

Being single for me?
It means the one person you want doesn't want you or you can't have them
and the rest of the opposite sex only wants one thing only.

Cool story Hansel.

playlist: the xx's, leeway, dead end path, turnstile, the smiths, karate
movielist: the last airbender, batman returns,

you're the underdog, you're just like me

2011-06-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

Spending the weekend basically alone, how perfect was that?

Reading this 'Born To Expire' zine makes me siked on hardcore and interested in writing my own zine. I've thought of the title and the line up of people I'd like to interview already. Friends have half agreed on it, so we'll see what the turn out will be. Being a female in hardcore always has more cons than pros.. but to me, it makes me even more involved and makes me wanna sing a long even harder. Fuck all the nonsense. Fuck all the stereotypes.

Also, this interview with World Collapse in BTE #2 is the best interview I've read in a really long time. Good job SV.

playlist: Jay-Z/Coldplay -Viva La Hoya, World Collapse, Frank Sinatra, Seraphim, Drake
movielist: Just for Kicks, Children of Men, Spirit Away, Exit Thru the Gift Shop, Dream Girls, Purple Rain

(feel free to recommend me music/movies, I'm always open to anything)

“Holding anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~ The Buddha

2011-06-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

i pretty much hate everything and everyone right now
everything i love and everything i want to hold close to me
is slipping through my fingers
every lyric i hear, every song i hum
they remind me of something i once upon thought could be real
they remind me of someone that i realize now will never be who i want them to be
they remind me of a future i will never achieve, i will never have

inside me,
my heart feels heavy, lost, empty
i guess this is where i should always be

it's where i always end up anyways

playlist: underdog, jim jones, turnstile, gangstarr, bravery

2011-05-08T10:24:00.001-07:00

I love you forever, I live every day knowing if you were here.. you would be extremely proud of me. No one could ever take your place in my life. Ever.

Happy Mother's day.

the bravery - this is not the end

2011-04-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

welcoming my new life choice with open arms, feet don't fail me now

2011-04-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

That feeling of walking in a circle but content with the scenery?

That's the best way I can describe my life right now.

2011-04-14T23:45:00.001-07:00

what a long night of birthday babies, sushi, sneaking in the CTA, and gay men

whew, glad my liptar knows how to hang

death's grip got ahold on me

2011-04-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

I always rewind back to the moment you were laying next to me and I would think you never felt the same because the scars on my cheeks, the imperfect body form my mother gave me, the short ugly hands with nails painted black, the uneven skin tone that would blush pink every time you'd smile at me.

I always told myself, if things were different like now.. I would make you think differently. The scars are less noticeable now, I hide my body better now, my nails are fake, my skin tone has correcting foundation, I can hide my butterflies better.

Then I realize. I was just fine before. 18 yet, experienced, independent, strong, pretty as now (if not prettier), and a better girlfriend than I would've ever been.
Then I realize. It's not me that was wrong, ugly and confused.

It was you.

go cry about it

2011-04-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not fighting alone for a friendship not to work. I refuse to lose.

To see men keep a strong bond, over distance, talk, girls, worldly things makes me wonder why women can't do the same thing? Why are we so overly jealous, angry, ready to hold a grudge on the person we call our closest friend? I thought I was over that point in my life where I burned bridges for no reason.

I'm so jaded right now. I might just take that job offer up in cuse being in the woods so no one talks to me and I won't hafta figure this friendship bullshit of jokes out any more. How sad, sad, sad.

“Women could rule the world if they didn't hate each other”

2011-03-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

3 weeks off work, enjoying every moment, rewatching all the Seinfeld seasons, keeping in touch with exboyfriends, redying my hair blue and enjoying this 50 degree weather

word lyfe

we're dust - iron age

2011-02-07T09:30:00.000-08:00

life right now is in between, unsure if i'm just content and not used to it.. or if i'm so over everything i think this feeling of numb is being content, either or, i'm hanging with my girls every day, living my 21 non-existent single life through them

pretty much got a gang going on, christy, kirby, lil b and i
in simplest form? we're unstoppable

2 single broads, 2 taken birds
get on our level

mrs. bone picker

2010-11-07T08:55:00.000-08:00

There's so much I want to vent out right now but I don't even know where to start.

"status climbers, backstabbers, hypocrites, no good fucks, face the facts in the end you'll lose, don't wanna hear another excuse"

all this love, rainbow styling

2010-10-24T16:56:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in my boyfriend's trial hoodie right now and having the past 5 days alone in the house but not really, makes me remember my mid-life boston styles, not complaining this go around, just saying. (more or less saying coz I wanna run around the city but have no one in particular to ask to come, waah)

Also, I am the queen of events at work! My bosses always call me or ask me to do them, I don't mind coz I get free food, make new friends, and sell a shit ton. So tonight's event is a Boys & Girls club sponsored something or another, all I know is, I'm getting extra doll'd up, bigger lashes and high bouncy curls. So better get start getting ready now.... I gotta be there in 3 hours.

xo

15 step

2010-10-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

my life lately in a couple of photos;

not resized, no captions, not caring really
i got the raise at work i deserved, got reminded how "young" i was today by someone who was double my age, and remembered how much humanity is based solely on selfish moves and money

Welp, I'm not starving, dying, or out of my fucking mind so I'm content.
xoxo

sorry mr. blogger

2010-08-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

http://jeshx.tumblr.com/
http://jeshx.tumblr.com/
http://jeshx.tumblr.com/

i started a tumblr, i love it so much more than anything else on this internet now, i'm spending hours looking at photos, reading quotes and following strangers

if you're there, link me so i can follow you, xo

"let me take your hand, I'm shaking like milk..."

2010-08-24T17:24:00.000-07:00

Lost in day dreams, cruising the day with a smile from ear to ear, working in a humble manner, constantly touching my neck, lost in a staring contest with the sky, humming tunes without real lyrics, falling all over in a big mess of life, being 21, being a dreamer makes me this.

"Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both us knew
How the ending would be..."

Help me find myself, I'm walking down a road to nowhere fast.

2010-08-10T23:30:00.000-07:00

just watched the other guys with my boyfriend, we drank coke zero, ate a ton of milky ways, and talked about 200 different things within 30 mins before the actual movie started, such a good night

best quote hands down?
Farrell: You ACCIDENTLY shot Jeter.
Wahlberg: DID I?

SO GOOOD, happy friday to meeeee xo

2010-08-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

some people look at life as money signs, steps to move forward, preparing for nothing, and all surfaced materials,

the others look at life with beauty, heartache, friendships, and the rainy day to take a photo of yourself to adore later

we all fall under each category sometime or another, right now i'm really inbetween myself

broken social scene

2010-08-03T20:58:00.001-07:00

sometimes i forget why i work open-close for almost 3 days straight, give up my weekends, give up the precious lounge time with my boyfriend, give up the endless blogging and photo taking i do when there is nothing else to do... and then i quickly get reminded why i love what i do and where i do it;

yup, that's my manager, my poor sick and helpless manager

fun life, i'm really blonde again, and i'm heading to my apt to house the mongos/50 lions for the next couple of days, late night chats, tourist shit, and home cook meals where we come

xo

2010-07-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

today was a very terrible day, i cried for the first time in a long time

all of me - billie holiday

2010-07-26T23:18:00.000-07:00

the weather's beautiful, i'm overly happy with chris, i'm really enjoying my job, my hair is slowly getting blonde, christy is amazing, and i'm gonna see mammoth grinder soon

life is treating me good

all this love, rainbow stylin

2010-07-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

looking back on the people i used to once hold close to me make me realize we're all getting so much older in our lives... i think we all slowly just forget how important the little things are and in that sense it just makes me so sad to look back on how it all once was

maybe this is what our parents were saying when they told us to hold our youth dear,
you can always move forward but ya can never go back

i won't lie, i miss you more than you think

you tell me the morning after

2010-07-04T00:33:00.000-07:00

You know that one moment in time where you realize
the people you randomly have in life were just using you for many unlisted reasons?

You realized. They weren't real friends.

Just voids of space that you started to hold close,
but you were just the lubrication to their huge ego dick.

Then the feeling hits you.
That sorta angry, stupid, random hit in the face you feel when you realize it?
When you delete their number from your phone, unlist them as friends, and try to forget them completely?

Yeah, I do too.

"Come to me with wounds you want to heal
I'll listen and I'll try to understand the way you feel

Never fear that I'll be gone from here
I'll always be around for you to talk to me, my dear"

-Lush, Papasan

metric

2010-06-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

After the gym today, in a scurry of my mess, words, thoughts.. I finally managed to get inside, take off my sweaty clothes, and sit myself down in front of the computer to just wander around. Checking all things in order, like I usually do when I get online.. within my email, there was only one unread message. It was my father.

My appa decided to write me a letter...online. My 67 year old dad took his time to sign on AOL, open a new message and write to me. His broken english is very noticeable within the broken sentences he managed to type. And there I sat in silence, in a empty house, and cried.

In that small amount of time I quickly read through he's paragraph, I was placed back into reality where whatever I buy, how much time I spend working, who I meet, how many lyrics I can remember doesn't fucking matter. I stepped back, looked at the big picture of my life again and realized.. I'm only at a chapter in my life. I've got a whole book to finish and all I'm doing is wasting, wasting, wasting time.

The whole reason of me leaving Pensacola is to be someone different than the friends and people I knew. The whole reason I left my family, abandoned my friends, quit school was forgotten. I forgot who I once was and my headstrong ways to meet all my goals.

If my mother was still here, she would be disappointed in me.
Time to shutdown my whiny ways and make my life happen, now.

Where do you live, love is a place.

2010-06-25T12:32:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at 11:30ish AM, I was walking towards to the Blue Line on North Ave. Walking by Akira, Kelly Cardena's, Chase bank and when I was wondering around in the beautiful weather lost in thoughts, it hit me.

Am I and the rest of this ridiculous world really looking for lust or love?

Everyone's looking for "love".. so they say. But in reality, every broken person, messed up mind, confused body I meet, just wants to be adored, romanced, wanted. Is that really what love is defined as? To be needy in someone else's arms, mind, body?

Am I in the right spot in life with Chris? Am I really looking to be loved?
20 years old and I think at this point in time, I can honestly say.. I don't know.

I hope the 25 year old me doesn't look back and be disappointed.
Live fast, Die young.

LDN - Lily Allen

2010-06-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

best girl i've met in a very long time, working hard, spending money, living life

i'm content

2010-05-31T22:08:00.000-07:00

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”

-Chuck Palahniuk

I can not wait to live my broken, unfixed life.

xo

two different tears - the wonder girls

2010-05-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

REAL TALK?

Having a best friend and/or a group of girlfriends is nice and all, but in this in between age where everyone grows up at different paces and everyone's in different chapters makes life just more confusing. Friends aren't forever. They come and go. Being healthy, having money saved and my maturity will save me in the end and until then, I'm fine being as alone as possible.

I will NEVER fake who I am, until the day that I die.
I rather have no friends then fake friends.

same old story, same old tale

2010-05-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt like this in a long time,
it's the worst feeling in the world when you get a flashback of your past,
the past you tried to grow and stay away from

they say every relationship is different,
but i gotta admit, every single one seems like the same road just a slightly different scenery.

My eyes are swollen and all of a sudden, I'm in a lost for words.
Who can I turn too now?

glee's gaga commerical

2010-05-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

"So yes, I am a Gaga supporter. I’m Team Gaga. She’s my girl. My pop Arsenal; my dance Red Sox; my fashion England."
-Moran (New York Times)

life is wonderful

2010-05-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

"I am attracted to people who make this effort in knowing what suits them - they are individual and stylish."
-Vivienne Westwood

2010-05-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

"My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort,
happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always
remember the tune." -Graycie Harmon

2010-05-03T12:56:00.000-07:00

I'm doing good at work, so people don't like me much or talk to me now.
It's totally fine in my book because in my real world of life, they don't matter.
My job is to sell and make money and I'll always do my job well. Forever.

If you're in Chicago, come to this show!!!
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=118116994876302

xoxo

oh yeeeash

2010-04-26T19:07:00.001-07:00

http://x-monument.livejournal.com/68649.html#cutid1

my life in the past month or so in photo form

xoxo

"would you give it all up" - Speechless, Gaga

2010-03-22T13:40:00.000-07:00

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

-Lady Gaga

godspeed you! black emperor

2010-03-03T00:02:00.000-08:00

Marc G from San Fran sent me a cute little package,
it's the best thing I've got from someone so randomly in a long time.

i miss boston on a week like this, i start to talk about it a lot
and wish i were riding bikes with my random friends that meant the world to me
i daydream about the hilarious people i socialized with at Charlie's Kitchen
and the random stories my roommate would babble on about
i think of the random punk house, gigs, and spikey jacket friends i had

then i realize it's not the city i cared so much about,
it was my lifestyle and the little things that made it what it was.

2010-02-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

i feel so alone because no one can relate to me,
i can't speak my mind to anyone
without feeling like I'm walking around on broken glass
i think that's what angers me the most now a days
fuck

vampire weekend

2010-02-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

The farther I push myself away from the hardcore scene, the less I'm disappointed in people, the less I'm depressed, the less drama I seem to be thrown in. It's just such a sad thing that people have the potential to be such good friends or just people having so much in common just thrive off drama, pointless bullshit and small talk. Like I always say, I guess people will always be people.

I'm ready for a new life.
New scenery, new city, new friends, new climate, new house, new roommates, new hair, new style, new wardrobe, new attitude, A job. But just not a new boyfriend...
it's so hard to decide on what I want to do because there's nothing but disappointment here in Chicago. It's terrible to say but whenever Chris and I's relationship is over, I plan to be out of here.. but then again I don't ever see us breaking up...ever.

So what should I do with my mindset? After a year I still don't feel I'm home.

the heater blowing

2010-02-14T09:33:00.001-08:00

nothing really special planned for today
church, family, photoshoot, dinner

Today is also the Korean New Year so I'm eating a huge Korean lunch with new found family!
I'm so grateful for being in love, having the friends I do, having my god mother in full effect.

happy valentine's day world

IAMX

2010-02-12T22:30:00.000-08:00

my mind is slowly just giving up it's willing to fight,
i just don't give a fuck any more

it's so easy to hate someone you barely know,
so let's keep it going world

Tous Les Garcons Et Les Filles - Francoise Hardy

2010-02-10T00:30:00.001-08:00

I just want to lose so much weight that I'm almost to the point of being called disgustingly skinny.

I don't know what to do with my life, I just wanna be successful.

let go - frou frou

2010-02-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

tomorrow i meet the director and the casting director for some movie
i have a small role as a punk girl, angry at the world, sarcastic and threatening someone their life
even though i have the lines down perfectly, i'm nervous

i wish i could drink some jasmine oolong right now
i'm so thirsty for it and i can't sleep..

..like usual

2010-02-07T02:45:00.000-08:00

i haven't slept yet, i think there's something wrong with me
i'm so cold, i'm willing to just lay in bed for hours
knowing i won't fall asleep soon just so i can stay warm

take you on a cruise - interpol

2010-02-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

Know it alls are the worst people on earth,
right beside fakes, liars, drama queens, and most hardcore kids.

I wish people could just get over themselves.

metric

2010-02-05T20:16:00.000-08:00

friendships and hardcore

monster - lady gaga

2010-02-03T01:57:00.000-08:00

I think I'll finally start my goals on being an actress, muay thai, losing as much weight the healthy way while getting as lean as possible.

2010-02-01T23:34:00.000-08:00

people are forever people, so just fuck them all

yann tiersen

2010-01-31T00:47:00.000-08:00

“There will always be something to ruin our lives,
it all depends on what or which finds us first.
We are always ripe and ready to be taken.”
-Charles Bukowski

curb your enthusiasm

2010-01-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

2010-01-26T12:51:00.000-08:00

I just don't know anymore.
You try and help a friend out, you're meddling in their life.
You try and be nice to someone, you're trying to fit in.

What happens next?
I don't even blame the city I'm in, I blame people being people.
I'll just hang out and be quiet from now on.

Live and let live.

seinfeld

2010-01-24T19:21:00.000-08:00

i have a second mother, she makes me feel so happy and sad all the time

i don't even know how to start keeping my thoughts on paper anymore,
i barely know how to speak to new friends other than your generic questions,

my mind isn't with me
i wonder where it went...

clams casino

2010-01-22T14:56:00.001-08:00

come hang out tonight,
i'll be taking a ton of photos with a REAL camera and not my dinky point and shoot!

Matty Ales is about to move to Chicago and life is gonna be awesome.

arctic - clams casino

2010-01-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

I feel confused on what to do right now.
With everything surrounding me.
Should I continue in fashion or pursue being a stylist?
School is about to start and what classes do I even chose?
I don't have enough money or time to waste to begin my life.
I need to hurry up. I gotta make money to catch up with the rest of society.
I fucking hate rich people. With a passion.

My mother's old best friend called me today,
she almost cried on the phone when she heard me.
She's picking me up tomorrow to show me old pictures
probably going to feed me lots of Korean food and cry to see my mother in a younger form.

I'm listening to these beats that my boy B made,
over and over, again and again
when I hear the faint, remixed voice
I just feel like I'm sitting in the lounge of the W hotel in New Orleans,
jotting thoughts and poetry in my journal, being 15, unsure of where to go next.

And here I am 5 years later getting reminded by these beats and feeling nothing has changed but my set of friends, the boyfriend and the city setting.

You want to sleep and I just want to stay awake.

"cities die
like people die
only more slowly
and people
who live in dying cities
become stuffed with indifference and
fear
and when their deaths
become actual
funerals seem superfluous."

-Charles Bukowski

busted - isley brothers

2010-01-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

Today was pretty good, allowed myself to sleep in, Chris came home today from tour, chatted with my boy B all day, went to dinner at Chicago Diner, shopped at Victoria Secret and Express, ended up running into the managers I've been friends with and talked about needing a job and SO they informed me they could have a position open for me, so I'm extremely excited about finally working a hourly paid job.

But here I am on a Saturday night online,
Chris fell asleep at 9 after I took my 365 photo.
Not much has changed with Chris coming home...

everything still seems about the same to me.

money honey - lady gaga

2010-01-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

So, today I was suppose to meet Beth and Kyle for lunch at Sultan's and on my way there (running late of course) my bus driver stops at a red light and jumps out of the bus to get on her phone. Only so many people notice, but when we miss 2 lights.. then people start to look around, wondering what the fuck is going on. She finally ends up back on the bus, grabs her lunch box and quickly says, "2 minutes people, be right back" and walks right back out. I look around for someone else to share this incredible moment with but everyone is just on their phone, book, or talking to a friend as if we were riding down North like nothing's happened. I quietly watch her cross the street and our bus miss 3 green lights. Eventually this little old lady tries to knock on the doors to let her in, since no one is moving, I hurry to get up and push the closed doors so she can get away from the cold. As she slowly steps in, the first thing she says is, "Where in the HELL is the bus driver??!" I laugh and respond, "You know what... I think we're all thinking the exact same thing." This being said made everyone on the bus hysterically laugh and it broke the ice for people to make their comments on how ridiculous this situation is. I look to the old lady as she finally makes her way past me and I yell out, "HEY! Don't even worry about paying... let's just get you in here and seated in case we take off." Everyone laughs and now the situation isn't so annoying but more funny. Our bus driver finally gets on and off we go. People are yelling from the back to her about how shitty of a move it was, but she ignores it and drives as fast as possible to Damen.

Didn't make it to Sultan's but caught up to go thrifting, walk through pet shops, and help Beth pick out the cutest boots! Thank god I forgot my debit card, I would've definitely spent money I did not have!

Bethany and I ended our night with watching Seinfield and talking about old memories and old friends. It made me think, one of the best things in life is meeting someone accidentally and then realizing they could be the best thing that ever stepped into your life. I look back on the people I let go and I really have no regret on the choices I made, I'm just sad to see where most of those people are today. I'm just happy I'm not in a situation where I think of nothing but hate for them, I guess I just don't care about people anymore. I'm content with everyone I'm surrounded by.

I'm trying to take life as it's given to me. But now my main concern is, am I here to start something new or am I here to be a wallflower until I die? Am I here to make people happy or am I here to get what I want?

“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

two weeks - grizzly bear

2010-01-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

Finally got my foundation in the mail, but this was nobody's fault but mine.
I had a package stolen off the window seal where all the mail goes, this doesn't make sense to me becoz I've had at least 5 random sized packages sit on their for more than 2 days and had a period of packages being sent to me completely fine for at least a month like this and nobody took anything.. this go around I order 2 Ben Nye's and they're gone.

You don't want to take my MAC but you'll take my Ben Nye?
You break into my friends car and now you're stealing my make up.

Collecting shit for college is the biggest headache.. maybe this is the reason why I haven't started until now. It'll be all worth it in the end.. hopefully. I'm looking to intern any commercial film or photography stylist. Thank god for Brian for giving me this idea, now I just have to worry about where my income is going to come from? Hopefully grants, FASA, and loans will assist me with housing and living.. but who really knows.

Went to a house show last night, picked up a Hostage Calm 7'', came home to fish sticks and chatting with some of my favorite people ever.
I could easily do this everyday.

nobody - wonder girls

2010-01-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

OH AND

I have a flickr now for 365. I usually have a theme going in my head, but I'm running out of ideas and I don't know what to do next.... so if you have anything, feel free to comment and let me know!

I also bejeweled my brush, I think I did a very fancy job.

My aunt says I should start making a ton and selling them.. working in that DIY shop could definitely help my chances of making good profit of it.

and a lot of my actual updates on life is in my lj (link is located in the file section on the right) but I'm thinking to definitely keep up with this blog since Lj seems like a real late pass with people nowadays.

so happy i could die - lady gaga

2010-01-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't been drinking caffeine since I do nothing but sit at home,
yesterday I craved for coffee, drank two cups, stayed up til 7 am
had a very important job interview today, almost just stayed up for it hoping I wouldn't miss it.... turns out I wrote down the wrong time in my notebook anyways and I definitely didn't get the job

I talk about wanting to get out, hang/meet new people I could potentially see as good friends in this city but every time I get invited out, I'd rather be listening to Lady Gaga or reading Bukowski poems. Youth in Revolt is the hangout today, maybe for the sake of becoming seriously anti-social.. I should go.

I never really update anything worth reading anywhere anymore, I seem to keep to my personal hand written journal.. I blame nosy drama queens for this. I shouldn't name drop online anyways, turns out last time I did that I found out the dude I was pretty much dating had another girlfriend across country.

Fuck me.

2009-11-01T10:07:00.000-08:00

So many things are happening at once I don't even update myself anymore.

Life is wonderful and it just keeps on getting better.

gimmie

2009-09-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

a baby panda bear like this, ok?

2009-08-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

“My home?” asked Marilyn Monroe. “It will be a place for any friends of mine who are in some kind of trouble. As for me, I just want to be an artist and an actress with integrity.” Throughout her life, Monroe occupied a series of residences, owned no jewelry and counted books, records and a picture of legendary actress Eleonora Duse among her most cherished possessions. Even after attention-getting roles in The Asphalt Jungle and All About Eve (both 1950), she still kept a modest, one-room apartment at the Beverly Carlton Hotel in Beverly Hills. “I’m not interested in money,” she once said. “I just want to be wonderful.”

http://www.architecturaldigest.com/homes/homes/2009/07/stars_in_residence_slideshow?slide=10#globalNav

The life I want is right ahead of me, all I need to do next is grab for it.

xo

party in the usa - mc

2009-08-25T21:46:00.001-07:00

today has been a good and bad day;

shopped all day for the most part
then realized i spent TOO much money
watched ace of cakes at crunch
then realized i didn't bring a jacket and had to walk around aimlessly to get warm
ate flattop with my boy
then snagged my nail and it's STILL pulsating
i'm wasting time online when i should be cleaning
but got a ton of compliments all day long about to last me a lifetime
realized i gotta look for another job
but still get to buy a new dress and shoes for a wedding
i gotta pee so bad but i'm so lazy
and i realized today that my man is 98% of perfect
i paid my terrible $80 cell phone bill and still can't receive pixtext!!
and tonight i will be cuddled until my hearts content with a man that's most likely better than yours

gimmie all your money x

tummy aches all day long

2009-08-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

I have the pictures from Chris's photo shoot on Sunday night finally posted.
My updated and photos are linked in here;
!!!!!CLICK HERE!!!!!!

xo

around the world - daft punk

2009-08-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

I went to Pro-Nails today but my man wasn't there. So I left to meet my 2 appointments of the day that were really rude about signing up and the future upcoming of Crunch. I think I'm getting sick so I actually don't give a fuck about bad attitudes or rude yuppies. They seem to like my honesty and bluntness. It went over well.

I've been buying lots of MAC makeup off LJ communities. I'm so excited for stumbling on things like this, I'll post my purchases whenever I receive them in the mail!

I've been super amped on getting back into cosmetology again, not so much of fashion or hair but more of makeup. I don't care what you say Emily! I'm gonna do it just to cross it off my list of things to do! I've always wanted to, what's a better time than now?

I love the people I surround myself by, I'm actually super glad with the choices I made.
I just wish I could've handled them a little better so there wasn't so much drama.

Jake is gone for the week, I'm so bored without him!!!
13 days until my foreeel bestfriend gets here!! EEEEEE!

xo

vampire weekend - ladies of cambridge

2009-08-13T23:40:00.000-07:00

I'm keeping more up to date with my LJ- why? I don't know.
Today was a great day, at work, with Jake, for dinner.

I was told I had to change my hair color but I'm not too worried about it.
I understand what's going on with my gym and the company, so I'm just rolling with what they tell me. I set up a couple of interviews today in Boston and I just CAN NOT wait to see how everything will work itself out!

I can't wait to work out tomorrow with Jake. Hopefully he'll train me again, Im addicted!

xo

go back to high school - beauty school drop out

2009-08-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

I might be moving to New York or Boston for jobs. We'll see how everything works.
I love Chris but if money moves me, then let it be.

OH and,

I met Tim Meadows yesterday,
he was awesome,
I signed him up at my gym,
I rule,
and you all can suck on it!

hiya pinky, byee blondie

2009-08-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

I've decided last night before I went to sleep that I wanna be pink!

I'm doing this tomorrow.